Insert Fail Symbolism Here
by RisingTwilight
Summary: If there was ever a fic for those of you who don't like too-cool-for-a-capital-t-wilight, this would be it.
1. Prologue

_Message from the Author: Well, well, well. It's been a while since I've written anything for this site. But I had a stroke of genius, and as such, I have returned. This is just a short little "pilot," if you will. Provide the stars align correctly, I intend to turn this into a series. So keep reading; it'll get better. I expect to have the first chapter out in about a week. _

_Aside from that, just keep in mind 'tis but a fun parody, not meant to be _too _offensive. My most sincere apologies to Stephanie Meyer. But in my defense, she was asking for it._

I'd never given much thought to how I'd die—unless it was after an extraordinarily graphic childbirth brought on by hawt, unprotected, abusive vampire-human sex, which was only slightly pedoish (a hundred years isn't _that _big of an age gap)—but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

I stared without breathing at the lighted screen, into the brightly colored arrows, and they blankly stared back.

Surely it was a good way to die, on the hardest setting, on the hardest song. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.

I knew that if I had never entered the tournament, I wouldn't be facing death now. But, though my legs felt like jelly, I couldn't bring myself to regret my decision. When life offers you a chance to achieve _true _glory, and maybe even win a free t-shirt, it's not reasonable to grieve when you get second place.

The DDR machine beeped cutely as "FAILURE" flashed across the screen.


	2. Once upon a time

_Well, here ya go. Hopefully this fulfills my earlier promise and gives you a laugh or two. Enjoy, and do leave a comment to tell me what you think!_

It was amidst a day described with words clearly from a thesaurus that Sue Swan prepared to leave behind her ridiculously hot hellhole for a ridiculously rainy one.

Her mother had recently gotten married, and like every caring mother, was now looking for a way to shove her kid out of the picture. So it was that Sue had graciously decided to sacrifice herself for the happiness of her mother. She was terribly worried about her mother—like every other female "role model" in this charming book, she was completely dependant on others to keep her from killing herself. Sue could _never_ imagine being like that. But now that her mother had a man to look after her, everything would be alright. Marriage was the answer to everything.

At any rate, for the last two years of high school, Sue would be forced to live in Sporks, Washington. It was a terrible fate, because high school, as everyone knows, is serious business. And in Sporks, high school was certain to be slightly more horrible than it already was as a general rule.

The plane ride to Sporks was fine, even if she didn't get any free peanuts, and there were some Middle Eastern men on the flight. Being a good little patriot, Sue watched them the whole flight, just to be sure they didn't blow up the plane.

Far worse than terrorists, though, was the car ride with her father, who, in his long, illustrious career as police chief, allowed a coven of vampires move in, his daughter to be seduced by said vampires, a gang of teenage werewolves to run around generally f***ing things up, two small scale vampire wars, and his daughter to be nearly killed on about fifty separate occasions. He was the best police chief Sporks had ever had.

When Sue arrived at the house that was to be her emo corner for the next two years, she was surprised to find her father had given her a present that was a small light in the abyss of angst: a car. It was a delightful red color, the type that barely showed blood when you killed a bicyclist.

Sue entered the house, which was basically a shrine to her flake of a mother, who had left her father about nine thousand years ago—evidently Sue's inability to move on with her life was genetic. In her room, alone at last, Sue curled up in the corner and cried about how depressing her life was.

She also took this moment to reflect on just how much she looked like a certain author whose name starts with "Stephenie Meyer," and how the reason she was such an antisocial freak was _not_ because everyone else hated her for being such a two dimensional stuck up a-hole, but because she was, in fact, a special little snowflake.

Due to being such a special little snowflake, when Sue arrived at school the next day, everyone was riveted by her, instead of showing the typical teenage apathy that 99.99% of transfer students would be greeted with.

Her first class was English. Due to Sporks being full of ignorant, stupid, hicks, Sue had already read all the books they would be studying that year. Clearly, with her _superior_ intellect, she would the top student at the school.

After class, she was immediately swarmed by people just dying to be her friends. Some nerdy kid came up to her offering to walk her to her next class. After slapping him across the face, Sue flounced off happily, a horde of fans following in her wake.

The day preceded in much the same fashion until lunch time. Sue sat with some fatty that was clearly less attractive than her. Sue hadn't bothered to remember her name. The same went for all the fatty's ugly friends.

Sue ignored their boring attempts to do the decent thing and make the new girl feel welcome by making polite conversation. The nerdy kid waved at her from across the cafeteria. He had a rather spectacular scarlet handprint across his cheek.

It was then that Sue saw them.

There were six of them, sitting at a table all by themselves. All of them had a plate of food sitting untouched in front of them, and they were all staring off in random directions. It wasn't like they were completely obvious as vampires or anything, with the red eyes and super pale skin and not eating or anything. The girl with short black hair was holding something that looked suspiciously like a joint. The blond haired boy next to her was twitching randomly, and he was wearing a shirt with the confederate flag across it. The blond haired girl appeared to be looking at pictures of babies. The black haired boy really doesn't do anything, so we'll skip him. And then there was the bronze [I mean really? Bronze?] haired boy.

He was making out with the last member of the table, some random girl. And he was really into it, too. It almost looked like he was trying to eat the girl, he was sucking on her neck so hard. As Sue watched, he looked up from the girl—she was into it too; her eyes were even rolled up into her head—and turned towards Sue. She was immediately taken with his beauty, which will be described over and over again, if you didn't quite get it the first time. And his lips, oh his lips, they were as red as a rose—or fresh blood for that matter. The red of them almost seemed to trickle down his chin. He winked in a suggestive manner to Sue, and then turned his attention back to the girl.

"Who _is_ he?" Sue interrupted whatever boring thing the fatty next to her was saying to ask.

Fatty looked up to see who Sue was talking about. "Oh!" she gasped, her eyes landing on the boy. "That's Edward Cullen. Um… I'd stay away from him if I were you. About half the girls in this school are currently involved in date rape cases against him, and there are rumors going around that he's the prime suspect in the murders of his last three girlfriends."

Astute as she was, Sue instantly realized that Fatty must have been rejected by Edward and simply had a case of the sour grapes.

Sue had Biology next period, and coincidently, Edward was in that class as well. By another coincidence, the only empty seat in the whole room happened to be next to Edward. About five seconds after she sat down, a hand landed on her leg. And what a lovely hand it was. Elegant, with long, white fingers, it appeared to sparkle as it felt her up. She looked over to see Edward leaning very close to her.

"Hey baby. You're like my heroin," he said. [Best pickup line evar, right?]

Hearing the sound of his voice, like velvet, which totally makes a sound, Sue swooned. She stared into his kind, caring red eyes and knew that he was her soul mate.

Meanwhile, Edward was already anticipating getting into the new girl's pants. She was his already. Edward could tell from the look in her eyes. He could stalk this girl, and she would find it romantic. This was going to be fun.

After class, _another_ guy came up to Sue. We're still trying to figure out his purpose to this story, aside from making Sue seem even more unrealistic. "Hello, are you Mary Sue Swan?" he asked.

"Just Sue," she said. She hated to be called by her full name. She then allowed this guy the privilege of escorting her to her next class.

At the end of the day, Sue returned to the office for some reason or another. As she opened the door, she gasped.

She was not the only student in the office. Edward Cullen was there, sitting on the counter, playing with a strand of the ugly receptionist's hair.

"I tell ya, babe," he said in his charmingly velvety voice, which still makes no sense. "You're like my heroin," he finished.

Then, abruptly, he turned around, his eyes falling on Sue. "Oh score," he said, jumping off the counter. He winked roguishly over his shoulder at the receptionist. "I'll see you later," he said.

He then focused his attention on Sue. "And I'll see you later as well," he whispered into her neck as he walked by, out of the office.

Sue's hand came up to her neck, and then came away bloody.

'Twas the start of an "epic" romance.


	3. I think there's a plot here somewhere

_Here's Chapter Two, hot off the presses. I hope you enjoy it! And, just so you know, I have my __waste-of-ten-bucks__-copy-of-Twilight with me and I am reading it as I write this. So this makes more sense if you look at the book as you go along (oh dear me, did I just advocate the reading of this series?). This chapter corresponds to the actual chapter 2 of _Twilight._  


* * *

_

ALASKA

"So yeah, then this new girl shows up, and I'm like, hey, this could be fun, even though she's dang ugly, and clearly thinks she's all that 'cause she's from some big city that no one really cares about except the writer of this charming series," said Edward Cullen.

"Hmm? What do you mean by writer?" asked Sarah Palin, taking a sip of tea.

"Oh, don't mind that. Just breaking the fourth wall," replied Edward, taking a bite of a cookie, choking on it, and spitting it out on the expensive carpet. "Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that you're totally like my heroin?"

Sarah Palin giggled folksily [Why yes, I did make that word up]. "Oh, you are such the little charmer," she said. "Wanna go shoot some wolves from a helicopter?"

He winked at her. "Only if I get to lick the blood up afterwards!"

* * *

SPORKS

The next day was incredibly tragic for Sue, for Edward Cullen was gone from school. Considering her whole character was based on her relationship with Edward, his absence made things pretty depressing. It also made it near impossible for the plot to advance. So the next couple pages are spent developing Sue's character [read: adding to the general sueness].

Sue sat at a table with Fatty and her friends, along with a couple of Sue's stalkers fans. Keeping with the theme of yesterday, Sue ignored their boring conversation and focused on the far more attractive "we're not vampires!" posse that was the Cullens. But today they numbered only four, and, though Sue waited throughout the whole period with remarkably baseless anxiety, he did not show up.

He was not in Biology either, and Sue began to wonder if _she_ could possibly be the reason he was absent. [Meyer's words] It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think she could affect anyone that strongly, [/Meyer's words] but obviously Sue thought that anyways.

After biology, Sue went to gym, where she completely failed at sports, revealing her not-a-real-flaw of being ridiculously clumsy. Evading her stalkers fans afterwards, she hurried to the parking lot.

As she wended her way through the cars, she caught sight of the Cullens. They were climbing into what, for all intents and purposes, appeared to be a carriage drawn by two silver horses. There was a pale midget sitting on it, holding the reigns of the horses.

Sue noted that all the clearly not vampire's clothes all appeared to be from designer brands. It seemed excessive that they were rich in addition to being ridiculously beautiful. But they wouldn't be perfect otherwise, so excessive it is. But in a vain attempt to create a bit of anything resembling a flaw, it didn't appear all the beauty and money had won them any friends.

No, on second thought, considering the average standards of the local student population, and considering the fact that everyone in this series is about as shallow as a puddle, their isolation must by their own choice. After all, who needs friends when you can have an over controlling boyfriend who won't _let_ you have friends!

At any rate, Sue went to the grocery store and then drove home. Once there, she practiced her soon to be useless cooking skills, and then proceeded to answer the e-mails of her impressively hysterical mother. She had a delightfully awkward meal with her father, who had a surprisingly strong reaction to Sue mentioning the Cullens, which appeared to be the norm for anyone in the town of Sporks.

As the week passed, there was still no sign of Edward Cullen. Obviously no one would be suspicious of his prolonged absence and he didn't have to go to school or anything. Clearly school doesn't matter and going to college is pointless when you can just rely on your husband. But I'm getting sidetracked.

On Monday, the town of Sporks was greeted by what, for most people, would be a pleasant surprise: snow. But, being a special little snowflake herself, Sue hated the snow, and made this abundantly clear to everyone around her, doing her best to kill everyone else's enjoyment. It was no wonder they all loved her so much.

Sue, Fatty, and the others entered the cafeteria, and started to walk towards their table. Sue, ignoring the others as usual, causally glanced over to the side, her eyes landing on the Cullen table. Sue froze.

The Cullen table once again numbered six.

Sure, the girl was different this time (the murder of the last one was in the process of being investigated), but Edward was the same as always. His words drifted across the cafeteria to Sue. "Mmm, you smell delicious," he said to the girl, raising her forearm to his face, "combined with this cold weather, you're just like a popsicle!" His pale tongue flicked out, and he dragged in across the arm. Then suddenly, his lips were that splendid shade of red again.

"What are you staring at, Sue?" Fatty asked.

"Oh… nothing!" Sue said, and they completed the journey to their table.

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Fatty said, daring to speak again.

Deciding to ignore this grievous transgression this time, Sue peeked up, and met Edward's gaze. His mouth was still full of arm, but he winked at her. Sue ducked her head again.

Later on, in Biology, he said to her, "So babe, still delicious?"

Not attempting to figure out what he meant, Sue allowed herself to simply be taken in by the musical, velvety sound of his voice.

Class began, and Sue and Edward proceeded to get into some sort of bizarre microscope based duel. Sue also spilled her life story, but no one really cares about that.

Sue couldn't stop herself from thinking about Edward for the rest of the day. As she climbed into her blood-red truck to drive home, she caught a glimpse of him, standing beside the horse drawn carriage. This so unnerved her that she did, in fact, nearly kill a bicyclist.

For some reason, this amused Edward, and she heard him laughing as she drove past.

The midget driver also made a rather rude gesture at her, but that's beside the point.


	4. Car Crashes are Fun!

_This book would have been a lot more interesting if the chapter actually happened this way. In other news, I kinda took a different direction with this chapter, so yeah, tell me what you think…

* * *

_

It was to an icy morning that Sue awoke the next day. This is actually an important plot point, rather than just general carping at any weather that differs from that of Arizona. I suppose at this point it sounds like I hate Arizona. That is far from the truth. It simply is a convenient target. And speaking of convenient targets…

Sue, already gravitationally challenged as a general rule, came perilously close to killing herself (accidentally—this time!) during the ten feet she walked from the house to her car. As she drove to school, she reflected on the legions of fan boys that had presented themselves to her, which clearly would happen in real life.

Surprisingly, Sue had no problems with the drive to school. In a remarkably rare moment of _actually doing something, _Sue's father had strapped chains onto her tires. This is more or less the only thing he ever does in the what, like two thousand pages of this series. Besides act gruff.

At any rate, Bella managed to successfully drive to school and park. As she stepped out of her car, she noticed a certain not-a-vampire leaning against his horse drawn carriage, talking to—wait, guess!—another girl. Vague bits of their conversation drifted over to Sue. She could swear she heard the words "baby," and "heroin."

But her tranquil moment of drooling was interrupted by ear-splitting screech resounding through the parking lot. Sue looked for the source of the noise, and her eyes fell upon a dark blue van.

Now, because contrary to the theme of this whole book, the world does not, in fact, revolve around Sue, the van was not heading for her. Rather, it was making a direct course for a certain horse-drawn carriage. But, because Sue was, in general, an ****ing moron, she ran out in front of the carriage, in front of _Edward_. There was an echoing crash, and then all fell silent.

Sue became aware of things slowly. The first was profuse and surprisingly eloquent swearing.

The next was a lovely, velvety laugh coming from Edward. "Way to shield me with your body, Heroin!" he said. "You saved my clothes from getting dirty!" she felt a high five on her hand.

The last thing Sue realized was that there was a rather heavy van parked squarely on her chest.

"Ow," Sue said.

"Yeah, that kinda looks like it would hurt," Edward said conversationally. "You're bleeding a ton." Sue managed to turn her head sideways through the crushing pain. Edward was on all fours beside her, as if he was concerned about her. This illusion was shattered a moment later when he dipped his head and began to lick the blood off the pavement, cat-like.

The swearing continued. Sue turned her head to the other side, and saw the midget pinned under the other front wheel of the car. "Who's… he?" Sue managed to gasp.

Edward looked up. He had blood smeared all over his face. "Hmm? Oh, that's Liaf. Liaf Eman. He drives the carriage. Ignore him."

"**** you, pretty boy," Liaf said. "And I won't be driving that ****ing carriage until you get this ****ing van off me. Oh, and tell that boy in there that he ****ing owes me a new horse." And indeed, while one of the two horses was still standing near the carriage, the other had apparently been hit, and it, too, was lying on the ground bleeding. Altogether, it was a rather impressive scene.

At this point, people were starting to take notice and come over to see what had happened. "Wow," one said, "Look at all the blood! Sweet!"

"This is so going on my Facebook," another said, whipping out his cell phone to take a picture.

Edward posed for a couple of pictures, making bunny ears over Sue's slowly draining form. Then Liaf said, "not to ruin your fun, but would you kindly get this car the **** off me?"

"Huh?" Edward said, "Oh, yeah." He pushed it over. Liaf, being made of freaky vampire diamond atoms, was instantly fine, and, after making a rude gesture at Edward, went to inspect the carriage. Sue was hovering on the edge of death, so it really wasn't that different from usual. That one guy who crashed the van was most likely dead, but he's another minor character that we don't care about.

An awkward silence held for a moment, the only sounds Sue's desperate, stricken gasps, and then Edward said, "Hey, so, have I slept with you yet? I can't remember."

Sue was saved from sputtering a response by the arrival of an ambulance. [If I hadn't already mangled this chapter beyond all recognition, I would point out that the ambulances of Sporks clearly don't have anything meaningful to do.]

The paramedics attempted to pull Sue onto a stretcher, but Edward waved them away. "Pfft, she'll be fine. Just toss her into the ambulance." One proceeded to do so. The stretcher was instead used for the paramedic who had gone to help Liaf.

* * *

Two weeks later, Sue finally came to consciousness. She was in a hospital room, Edward sitting in the chair nearby. He looked over at her. "Hey, looks like you're not dead!"

"Ugh… what happened…?" Sue asked.

"Car. Hit you. That's pretty much it. It looked like you were going to die there for a while. I'm kinda surprised you didn't. That guy in the van did."

Sue looked up at him, clearly surprised. "What? He's dead?"

"Well, not really," Edward replied. "He's a ghost. Also, he wants to take you to prom."

"What?" Sue asked.

"Don't worry about it," Edward said. "He's a minor character. Anyways, I imagine you probably have a lot of questions."

"Yes," said Sue.

"Too bad. I'm not going to answer any of them, because I'm a jerk like that."

"Wow, I'm in love with you," Sue said.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Now, I'm going to leave you to go waste a couple chapters figuring out what we all already know. After that, I intend to bang you. Good day," he said as he got up and walked out of the hospital room.

Sue watched him go, and then eventually drifted off to sleep. And for the first time, and, unfortunately for us, not the last, she dreamed of Edward.


	5. What Fourth Wall?

_I have actually read all the books in the series (though not the draft of _Midnight Sun_). I read the first three through once, and then again when _Breaking Dawn _was released. And I haven't touched them since. Now I'll admit it; the first time I read them, I actually liked the things. I have my weaknesses like any other, and man, did I want my own Edward. But now that I'm rereading _Twilight_ for this, I don't know why, but it's just painful. I can't stand it. Obviously I had come to not like the series before I began to write this, but it's almost surprised me how much I hate rereading that thing. Who knows… but that's my little intro anecdote. _

_In unrelated news, the next chapter might be a little late. But if it is, I'll probably stick some extra or something in there. _

_Oh, and please review! I always love hearing what you have to say. And thanks for taking the time to read this. _

In Sue's dream, Edward was wearing a clown suit and sparkling like a disco ball. He was also hitting on her mother. It was kinda freaky, actually, especially because Sue, like a surprising number of people, was scared of clowns.

Following her return from the hospital, Sue was the center of attention. Huh? Wasn't she already the center of attention? Yes, yes she was. Because she's Sue. But now she was _even more_ the center of attention. She was like the SUPER center of attention. Her face appeared on the cover of the _Sporks Daily _and a news crew followed her around. Also just about every boy in the whole school wanted to ask her to their depressingly fail excuse for a dance.

Tyler Crowly was impossible, following Sue around, obsessed with making amends to her somehow. And the fact that he was a ghost was not helping. Apparently she was the only one who could see him. It probably had something to do with her special deus ex machina god-mode powers that don't get explained till the fourth book. People kept walking through him and stuff. Nobody really seemed too broken up over his death. After all, he was a minor character, the only kind to actually die in this series.

No one really seemed to care about Edward either, excluding, of course, his fangirls (both in the story and reality). Everyone merely commented that it was a pity he didn't get hit either.

During lunch, the Cullens simply acted as they always did, sitting there, staring blankly off into the distance, while Edward made out with some girl.

In class, he didn't completely fawn over her like the other sycophants guys, so Sue concluded that he must hate her to the point where he wished she had died in that car crash. Obviously, this sent Sue into spiraling depression.

At some point or another, for no reason really relevant to the plot, Sue became aware that there was some random dance coming up. Despite the fact that it was a girl's choice dance, the Sue Fan Club instantly flocked to her like gamer nerds to Halo 3 ODST, confirming what we all knew already—that they were as delusional as ****.

Mike was the first up for slaughter—er, to ask her out. He came up to her in Biology, before class started. "Hey, despite the fact that your drool is now puddling at Edward's feet, I was wondering if you were going to ask me to the dance?"

"Pfft," Edward said, "can't you see that *****'s got it bad for me? Oh, and way to barely avoid flat out asking her. That's some nice girl's choice fail right there. Though come to think of it, 'girl's choice' and '_Twilight_' never really went well together."

Sue spoke, ignoring the flagrant disregard for the fourth wall. "I'm clearly far too much of a special snowflake for you. In fact, I'm not even going to that loser dance of yours, 'cause I'm too cool for that. I'm going to go to Seattle, where I will most likely be raped and chopped up into little bitty pieces, which will then be eaten by a vampire." Edward's expression at this point showed that it was not too far off of an idea. "At any rate, I think Fatty was looking for a date. She's clearly too much of a loser to get one herself, so why don't you two go together. Then you can go off and have minor character babies."

"I am so not a minor character!" Mike said.

"You kinda are," Sue said. "No sparkle, no main character. Your only real role is to make me look better. Do you even appear after this book?"

"I'm in the next one!" He protested.

"Oh yeah," Edward said, pulling out a copy of _New Moon_. "You throw up."

"****," Mike said. He then ran out of the room, crying.

All was quiet for a bit, as various students in the class shuffled through their papers and pulled pens out of their bags. Then Edward, still flipping through the book, said, "Hey, I'm kinda a ******** in this, huh?"

After class—and a couple paragraphs detailing just how unrealistically obsessed this chick is—Edward finally broke the silence that had existed between the two. "Sue," he said.

Spinning around, she gushed, "Yes, Edward?"

He solemnly laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's better if we're not friends. Trust me." And then he walked away, leaving her standing there.

Once he was safely outside, though, he pumped a fist in the air and did a victory dance. If there was any way to insure that Sue would be sucking his **** in a week, that was it. Girls always loved a little bit of danger in the relationship.

Sue went to gym, where it was pointlessly reiterated that she fails at sports. Which is still not a real flaw.

Afterwards, stalker number two stepped up to bat, appearing from the shadows like some freaky vampire or something. Living up to the stereotypical nerd archetype that he was, he stuttered and his voice cracked as he asked, "H-hey, w-would you to the d-dance with m-me?"

Sue brushed past him, headed for the door to her car. "Girl's Choice. You people fail at this. Now get the **** out of my sight before I run you over."

She got in her car and threw it into reverse, not checking to see if the nerd had followed her advice. However, once she had gotten out into the aisle, she found further progress blocked by a certain horse-drawn carriage. She honked her horn once, and was rewarded with an offensive hand gesture from the midget driver. She could see the rest of the Cullens on the other side of the parking lot. There was nothing for it but to wait.

"Hey… so…" a voice said from the seat beside her. She nearly rammed the carriage in front of her as she jumped in shock, earning her another gesture from Liaf. Looking over, she saw the Ghost of Tyler Crowley in the passenger seat of her car.

"If you ask me to the mother ******* _girl's choice _dance, I'm calling the god**** Ghostbusters," Sue said.

"Come on baby, don't be like that," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

Luckily, at that moment, the carriage in front of her speed off, and she quickly followed, leaving the Ghost of Tyler Crowley sitting in midair.

Sue returned home, and proceeded to sob deeply into some chicken enchiladas as she bemoaned the fact that Edward refused to fawn over her. [Seriously, how many times is she going to do that?]

"Hey old man, I'm going to Seattle in two weeks, and there's nothing you can do to stop me," Sue said later over the slightly moist enchiladas. "From getting raped, that is."

"Boy, I'm sure useless as a cop father, huh, hunny?" he said.

"You're useless in general, dad."

She just about ran him over the next morning.

"Trying to do the dramatic 'appear out of thin air' thing again?" Sue asked, stepping out of her truck.

"Yeah," Edward said, rubbing his head as he lay on the ground, where he had fallen after he dived out of Sue's way.

"Anyway," Sue said as he pulled himself off the ground, "I'm guessing you had something other than a death wish that you wanted to see me about."

"Oh yeah!" he snapped his fingers. "Remember that whole bad-boy we-can't-be-friends thing I told you yesterday?"

"Vividly," Sue said.

"Yeah, forget that."

"**** you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot too. Usually from males. 'Cause I kill all the girls before they have a chance to say that to me. But I certainly prefer it coming from a girl," Edward shrugged.

"Seriously, what did you want?" Sue asked.

"You. Me. A field. And sparkles." Edward added.

"Sparkles?" Sue asked. "Is that some kinda bizarre euphemism?"

"No, I literally sparkle in the sun."

"**** this book."

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," Edward said.


	6. More Boring Exposition! Liaf's Story

_Well, here's the next chapter, late as promised. But it's got an extra, also as promised. So yeah, enjoy. I think this is one of the more random chapters. But then again, they're all random. What can you do?_

Sue was late to class, but that didn't matter, 'cause who really cares about school? I'll tell you who doesn't—Mary Sues, which this book is full of. But back to the story.

Beginning an annoying-as-**** streak that would continue for the rest of this delightful series, Sue spent the whole morning agonizing over the fact that Edward would never want to be with someone as annoying perfect annoyingly perfect perfectly annoying as her. Which is one of the few things she got right. Moving on.

Fraught with her inferiority complex, Sue glanced over at the Cullen table with all the enthusiasm of a lost puppy the moment she entered the cafeteria. However, the models-from-hell posse was once again only four. Her countenance now that of a whipped puppy, Sue resumed ignoring Fatty and the rest of the minor character crew.

"Blah blah blah Edward Cullen," Fatty said.

"What?" Sue's head instantly whipped up. Her gaze finally fell upon Edward Cullen, shining with the oh-so-temporary light of a teenage idol. And for once, he was sitting alone. As she watched, he made a "come hither" motion with one hand and winked suggestively at Sue. Her pulse quickened. Could… could she be the lucky girl today?

Fatty was still going on and on about something, but Sue, not giving a **** about anyone below the "god" level on the perfection scale, got up and walked over to Edward.

"Sup, Heroin," he said, yanking her down into the sit seat beside him. "I think it is high time we put that meat machine of yours to good use." [By the way, I think that's a pretty good pickup line right there.]

Sue stared at him adoringly for a moment, the realized that a response is typically expected in a conversation. So she said, "You know I don't have any idea what you mean."

"I know." He smiled, then grabbed her arm and raised it to his mouth. "That's the fun part," he finished, and then he began to tenderly kiss her arm. Alright, "tenderly" was probably not the right word. For that matter, "kiss" might be a bit off too. But that, of course, is beside the point.

Sue glanced over at her usual table, expecting to see them all staring at her. Instead, she was rewarded with the sight of them actually carrying on a conversation like normal. How dare they! They should be lost without her oh-so-stimulating presence! However, Sue was distracted from further dark musings by a sharp stabbing pain in her arm. She turned her attention back to Edward.

"So," she asked," I thought you were going to stay away from me?"

He looked up from her arm, his lips tinged red. "Huh? Did I? And you actually believed me? Man, I'm good." And he returned to her arm.

They sat like that for a while. Sue was so happy, she almost felt lightheaded. And dizzy. Then Edwards's freaky color-changing eyes swiveled up to her face.

"Alright woman, you have questions. Ask."

"Um… um..." Sue stuttered. "What are you?"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh please. Go on. Take a guess."

Due to the lightheadedness—and the fact that it was her—Sue blurted out, "Are you a superhero?"

"Honestly, that's your first guess? You just like the idea of me in tights, don't you?" [Cue fangirl screams.]

"I'll figure it out eventually," Sue told him.

"Well, duh. This would be a pretty pointless story if you didn't." Then a light came to his eyes. He saw an opportunity. And Edward was never one to let an opportunity pass him by. So he let his expression darken, and then said, "I wish you wouldn't try though."

"Because…?"

"What if I'm not the superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He said dramatically. As he watched, her eyes widened slightly, and she looked as if her pulse had quickened. Oh man. This was way too easy. This girl fell for anything! And she seemed to have a particular weakness for the bad-boy routine. And boy, could Edward do the bad-boy routine.

"No," she whispered, as if this was all too much for her. Bwahahaha, this was great. "I don't believe you're bad." Hook, line and sinker.

He was too busy trying to suppress his laughter to say anything to that, so they sat in silence.

Sue looked around, noticing the cafeteria was nearly empty. "We're going to be late," she said.

Edward rolled his eyes again. "Hmph, have you been paying any attention to the story so far? My feelings on school should be perfectly obvious at this point."

"Right," Sue said as she got up. "I'm going though."

"Whatever!" Edward yelled as she exited the cafeteria. "You'll grow out of that goody-goody thing soon enough. And then you'll be begging me to sex you up!"

It was Sue who rolled her eyes as the door slammed shut behind her.

[I would like to take this opportunity to ask how many of you actually did blood typing in your high school biology class. I know I for one did not. And my teacher certainly wasn't the type to shy away from making us bleed. But at vampire high, blood typing is apparently in.]

"Anyways," the teacher said, "As I'm sure none of you have some ridiculous reaction to seeing miniscule amounts of blood or are vampires or anything, I'm going to ask you all to stab your fingers and bleed on a card. It's the closest to being educational we ever get. Heaven forbid we talk about anything useful, like _using a condom_, or anything. At any rate, stab away!"

Sue, of course, having some ridiculous reaction to seeing miniscule amounts of blood, said "****" and fainted.

"****," echoed the teacher. "Well, who wants to prick her finger?"

"EDWARD CULLEN TO THE RESCUE!" shouted Edward Cullen, sprinting in and grabbing Sue's unconscious body and a couple of bloody cards, then dashing out.

"Good thing school is just a colossal waste of tax money," the teacher muttered as he resumed cutting children.

Sue woke up in the Nurse's office.

"You know," Edward said conversationally, sucking on one of the bloody cards, "It's a really good thing you conveniently get over that aversion to blood without any explanation in the fourth book."

"What?" Sue asked.

"I didn't say anything. You must still be a little out of it."

"Right."

"Anyways, one of the minor characters is here to move the plot forward." Edward jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Mike, who was standing in the open doorway. "Indulge him, why don't you?"

"Hey, woman-who-I-have-no-chance-with, wanna come to the beach on Saturday? By the way, my body language is making it very clear that sparkle-boy over there is uninvited," said Mike.

"'Just 'cause your face can't sell glitter powder at Hot Topic…" Edward muttered.

"Sure, why not?" Sue said. "Maybe they'll be an impressionable young boy there who I can seduce into revealing the truth about Edward."

"Oh dear, that sounds fun," Edward said. "At any rate, woman, come with me. You're going home."

"What?" Sue asked. "What about school?"

He looked back at her. "Do you really need me to say it?"

"I told you, no more ****ing corpses in the carriage!" said Liaf irritably.

"No, no," Edward raised his hands in front of him, "This one's still breathing," he turned and shoved Sue into the carriage. "For now."

"That's my point, man," Liaf crossed his stubby arms. "At least ****ing wait until ya take her to some secluded clearing in the woods before ya kill her, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," Edward said as he climbed in behind Sue. "Take us to her house. You know where she lives."

"****ing vampire playboys," Liaf muttered as he climbed into the driver's seat.

"So tell me your life story," Edward said to Sue.

"Really?" she asked.

"No, why the **** would I want to know that?"

"Oh."

The rest of the trip was silent except for occasional curses from Liaf as he navigated the roads of Sporks.

As Edward kicked Sue out of the carriage, he shouted, "Try not to die before I kill you!"

The carriage then speed off into what would have been a sunset had it not been the middle of the day and rainy.

**SIDESTORY: LIAF'S TALE**

_Here's the extra. I'm not really sure what people think of Liaf, but I like him, so I decided to give him a little bit of back-story. Besides, having not really introduced the rest of the Cullens, I can't really come up with any other ideas for side stories. But anyways, here's Liaf's story, written from his point of view. _

The year was 1925. It was winter, cold as ****. And I, I was lying in a gutter, wasted as ****, and in a fair amount of pain, having just been run over by one of those fancy-schmancy car things.

Let me tell ya, it was not a good time ta be me.

So as I'm simultaneously sobering up and dying (and for your information, just one is crappy enough, together it's just overkill), this kid comes into my admittedly distorted field of vision. I didn't notice him at first, cause he's pale as ****, and apparently the vampires in this ****** universe don't wear black, 'cause they're good or whatever. Just so ya know, after all the time I've spent with these kids, I can tell ya that "good" is 'bout as far from the truth as Bella and Edward are from having a healthy relationship.

So yeah, this kid stands over me, and while I imagine it's probably not everyday that you see a drunken midget bleeding in the gutter, after a while, I got offended and muttered some obscenities at him. And you know what he does? The ****ing little **** bites me!

If you ever come across such a scene, I assure you that there are far more appropriate responses.

Now, because of what I can only assume is Meyer's sadistic side, I spent the next three days screaming the most impressive string of profanities you'll ever probably have the privilege of hearing in your life. And, after that, I was informed that I had successfully joined the ranks of the most pathetic excuses for vampires out there by that same little ****. At this point, I assume you all can predict my response.

The kid was in 142 pieces, but apparently rather than being bad, that was just an excuse for a ****ing family jigsaw night. **** that ****.

After his family stuck him back together with vast amounts of scotch tape, this little **** tells me that he was looking for a driver, and I was the first drunk dying midget he found. He also tells me that his name is "Edward Cullen," as if I give ****.

Well, at that point, his little "family" politely tell me that they would prefer if their psychopath of a brother remains whole. Whatever.

Now, I assure you, sticking with them was the last thing I wanted to do. But I had to. For various reasons. Namely I didn't know what the **** else to do.

But I had a condition. After that little incident, I really had no interest in those ****ing car things. They always seem to end up on top of me.

So that's how I ended up being the driver of a horse-drawn carriage for a bunch of ****ing vampire brats.


	7. OMG TEAM JACOB FTW 11 11

_In the process of writing this chapter, I have learned two things. One is that very little tends to get done when I procrastinate. The other is that things tend to get done more efficiently when I don't keep stopping every five minutes to watch stupid videos on youtube. Interesting, no?_

Due to the fact that Edward Cullen was not at school Friday, the day was obviously depressing beyond all belief. Because considering all the handful of five minute conversations full of vague, cryptic insinuations they've had, they already had such a deep bond that Sue couldn't live without Edward. Because this clearly is a healthy and realistic relationship that they've got going.

It was a typically day of ignoring the Fatty Brigade, now with the addition of a blond haired girl that managed to be even more of a one dimensional and unlikeable ***** than Fatty. But since Sue ignored them and they really didn't have any significant impact on the story whatsoever, it's really just a waste of your life to read those pages. [Honestly, looking back at the sections describing what I am now going to be calling the Fatty Brigade, they are portrayed to be the biggest *****es in the world. They are set up to be completely without any sort of redeeming qualities. Both Jessica and Lauren are heartless monsters whose only purpose is to be mean to Bella. And me thinks this is a little bit of characterization fail. 'Cause honestly, who really is like that? Oh right! The *****es from Stephenie Meyer's high school! Erm… /rant]

So, after being relentlessly bullied by the Fatty Brigade for no reason—they certainly couldn't dislike her because she spends all of lunch staring at Edward Cullen while a delicate line of drool creeps its way down to her cheap lunch tray—Sue went home, where her equally one dimensionally father added to the _mystery _of this whole affair. Apparently there were a lot of bears were Edward was camping—what could this mean? Gasp! You'll have to wait for Sue to seduce it out of convenient impressionable young plot-device-boy Jacob. Or you could just, you know, read the back cover. Whatever.

It was sunny the next morning. Sue, having grown up in _Arizona_, the poor *****, was so delighted by this _amazing _turn of events that she pressed her face into the glass of the window for several hours, just staring at the sun. She started to go blind after a while, but that didn't matter, because it was the _sun._

She rendezvous'd with the Fatty Brigade at someplace that really doesn't matter because it will never show up again. They proceeded to cram nine people into a car, most likely breaking a couple of laws. Sue was wedged into the front seat with Mike and Fatty. And I bet you can imagine how that was. Luckily, Sue got that window seat, so she could further damage her eyes.

The beach was… actually fairly well described. Credit where it's due. Though "gray" was used a bit excessively. They started a driftwood fire, which Sue spent the next half hour watching, because the only alternative was to involve herself in a conversation with the members of the Fatty Brigade, and you should know by now that that's never going to happen.

Several members of the group then decided that they were going to go check out the tide pools. Sue, with her slight issue with walking on flat ground without dying, realized the death trap inherent in the little devil pools, but seeing as how the members of the Fatty Brigade that she hated more than the rest chose to remain on the beach, Sue decided to take her chances with certain death. She made a big dramatic show of hiking over to the tide pools slowly and then sitting down on a rock with a big huff, just so everyone was perfectly clear on the fact that she was really really ridiculously clumsy. It was one step shy of her shouting, "Hey! Hey! Look at me, everyone! Look and see how I can hurt myself!"

After being sure that everyone understood just how much of a special snowflake she was, she focused all her attention on the tide pool in front of her, except for one little part of her mind that was figuring out how she could kill herself since Edward wasn't there.

When they returned to the rest of the group, Sue found their numbers had increased. Some kids from the reservation had joined them.

At this point, of course, that charming "I'm bringing sexy back," song began playing in the background, for this was the introduction of Edward's not-really-an-arch-rival, and future pedophile, Jacob Black. At this point, he isn't hot, because he isn't angsty and suffering from the effects of werewolf puberty (which is exactly the same as normal puberty, except involving more hair and creepy tribal folklore instead of those crappy videos they show in health class.). But he's still Jacob, so his millions of fangirls with those now pointless t-shirts that say "Team Jacob" on it take their cue to scream hysterically. And judging by the adjectives Meyer uses to describe him, he is physically attractive, and therefore a main character. Pfft, superficial? No way!

This is also the point in which Angela "I-have-as-much-personality-as-Esme" Weber is introduced, but I believe the significance of this event speaks for itself. However, proving her to be smarter than 99% of characters in this book, Angela didn't even bother to pretend to speak to Sue, instead choosing to sit there in silence, not giving Sue anything to ignore. [Now I'm trying to figure out what characters go in that 1%. I vaguely think I liked Leah Clearwater, but I'd have to blow the dust off of _Breaking Dawn _to confirm that, and I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.]

"I'm going to rape your child," Jacob said.

"What?" Sue asked, and the two immediately began a deep conversation because they had some freaky connection through Sue's unborn child. Proving that life obviousily begins way before birth, and therefore abortion is bad. What? I didn't just expose part of the secret propaganda that pervades this series, did I? Oops. It's all a conspiracy!!!!111!1!

*Ahem*

At this point, the Fatty Brigade was stunned, because they had never seen Sue actually engage in a conversation before with anyone besides Edward. ****, most of them hadn't ever heard Sue speak before. Approximately half the school (so like twenty people) thought that Sue was mute.

Then someone mentioned the Cullens, which pretty much meant it was go time for Sue. So she turned to the nearest impressionable young boy/secret pedophile/possible furry—Jacob—and said, "wanna go have sex in the woods?"

"Sweet," he said.

In the process of this delightfully awkward scene, Sue managed to wheedle out some of the aforementioned creepy tribal stories, none of which I'm going to bother parodying, because they basically just state the obvious—that Edward's a vampire. There's also some foreshadowing of the wolfish kind, but let's focus on what's really important here—sex Edward nothing because these books aren't about anything important Edward.

At any rate, after having started a delightfully amusing and rather persistent trend of leading Jacob on, Sue returned to the Fatty Brigade, and tried very hard not to think. It wasn't very difficult.


	8. Logic who? and Halloween Special

IFSH 7

_Lucky number seven! Fun, fun fun. At any rate, this chapter was kinda short, so I stuck in a Halloween special. So yeah, enjoy, review, all that good stuff. _

For some reason that makes no sense to anyone who thinks about it for more then half a second—ruling out most of Twilight's target audience—Sue went home, and listened to extraordinarily loud music. [And I'm pretty sure I read on Stephenie Meyer's website that the CD she's listening to here is Lincoln Park. Which is double lulz. And the fact that my spell check is telling me I misspelled "Stephanie" is triple lulz.]

Lincoln Park, obviously serving as an excellent lullaby, proceeded to not cause Sue any strange dreams whatsoever.

Anyways, in the aforementioned strange dream/thinly veiled foreshadowing, Jacob and that one stalkerish kid from the Fatty brigade were telling Sue to run away from Edward—probably the best advice anyone had ever given her. But obviously she didn't take their advice. 'Cause they were just foolish mortals, so they were clearly wrong about everything.

Then Jacob started shaking and turned into a wolf. This couldn't be significant or anything, especially in light of the equally meaningless creepy tribal folktales about werewolves in the previous chapter.

Then Edward came out of the woods, looking like… like… A VAMPIRE!

Which was pretty much his normal appearance, but whatever.

And then Sue woke up, and was finally forced to think. Why she didn't want to before, I have absolutely no idea. But then again, logic was never really the strong point of the series.

Keeping with the gaping logic black hole that is Sue's actions, she proceeded to Google the term "vampire." Which was probably the most pointless thing she could have done, for several reasons. A) JACOB ****ING TOLD YOU THE CULLENS WERE VAMPIRES, WHAT THE **** MORE DO YOU WANT, *****. B) Meyer's vampires don't adhere to the vampire canon in any way whatsoever. They sparkle in ****ing sunlight. Therefore, the majority of the information would be inaccurate and point to Edward not being a vampire. C) What the **** was she expecting to find? Edward Cullen's myspace page, admitting he's a vampire? That's pretty much the only thing that could be any clearer.

At any rate, after her pointless Google search, Sue went out into the woods. Why, I don't know. Notice a trend?

Anyways, once she had safely hidden herself in the dark and spooky woods—just asking to be raped/murdered/drained of all blood—she actually began to attempt to think. Which didn't work out too well, because her brain was rather out of practice.

So the first thing Sue attempted to decide was whether or not the Cullens were vampires. To which the answer is, of course, yes. We all know this already. But you like reading Sue wrestle with it, don't you?

But the real question was, what was Sue going to do if he was really a vampire?

Well, I don't know about you, but I think that procuring a decent stake would be a good course of action. Maybe that's just me.

Sue, obviously, was not quite thinking along those lines. Because she was hopelessly, insanely smitten with Edward. Which is totally realistic, and would totally be the case in real life. Those—what, like two?—conversations they had had were totally meaningful and had made Sue fall in love with Edward. His stunningly bland personality, stalker-ish qualities, mood swings, overwhelming I-never-leave-my-basement paleness—Sue loved it all. Even if he just wanted to suck her blood, Sue loved him. Wut?

So after this massively pointless interlude, Sue went back home, and actually did some homework. Le gasp.

It was sunny out the next morning, and Sue got to school early. She sat down on a picnic bench, and began to write "Mrs. Edward Cullen" all over her notebook.

That guy from the Fatty brigade came over. Sue slapped him.

"What the ****?" he said.

"You're stalking me," Sue said. "I hate stalkers." [Cue laugh track]

"Dude, uncool. I was just going to ask you about that essay we have to do for English!" he said, rubbing his cheek. "God, you're such a *****. No wonder everyone hates you."

"You and Fatty have fun together, rejects!" Sue yelled as he walked away.

During Trig, Sue overheard Fatty talking to another member of the Fatty Brigade about going dress shopping after school the next day. Sue resolved to come with them. They might actually be able to have fun otherwise. Every party needs a buzz kill, and Sue was more than happy to oblige.

After that little tidbit of knowledge, Sue proceeded to (what else?) ignore Fatty, as her thoughts turned to Edward.

However, Sue's hopes and dreams were shattered when she entered the cafeteria, only to find it severely lacking in Edward. Her soul cried out, crushed as it was under the black weight of her overpowering despair.

She went home after school, and cried in a corner for a while. Then she checked her e-mail—which was full of unread e-mails from her mother. Because apparently she had been too obsessed with Edward to even bother to respond to her own mother. _Wut?_

Sue then went outside to think about Edward some more. Afterwards, she engaged in more meaningless banter with her father.

The next day was sunny as well (notice a connection? He can't go to school 'cause he would sparkle! See, see? Lolololol…. Fail.) So obviously Sue was drowning in angst the whole day.

After school, Sue managed to slip into the trunk of Fatty's car. If nothing else, it should give her a chance to throw herself into danger.

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

_I don't know when this takes place, sometime after Sue learns THE TRUTH about Edward. _

"Really?" Sue asked.

Edward sidled into the seat across from her in the cafeteria. It was a lovely Friday in the midst of autumn, but that was not all today was. It also happened to be the Friday just before Halloween. Otherwise known as the day in which everyone wore their Halloween costumes to school.

Edward had chosen to dress as a vampire.

He was wearing a long black cape and a cheap pair of plastic vampire fangs. He raised an eyebrow at Sue as he sat down. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Don't you think that's a little too ironic?" Sue asked.

"Irony button!" Edward shouted.

"What?" Sue asked.

"Well in my English class… never mind. You were saying?"

Sue rolled her eyes. "Shouldn't you have chosen something other than a vampire to be?"

"Why?" Edward asked "I think I can pull off 'vampire' pretty well."

"No, you can't." [And I mean that.]

"Aw, come on! Check this out!" he pulled his cape in front of his mouth. "Bleh! Bleh! I will suck your blood!" he hissed semi-menacingly. Then he straightened up and said seriously, "and I mean _that_."

He pulled her arm over to him. Lunch time had taken on a whole new meaning.

"Anyways," Sue asked over the sucking sound, "what do you think of _my_ costume?" She gestured down at herself. Obviously, she had dressed as a slut bunny. [I'm not sure if there's a more technical term for this, but I'm sure you get my point.]

"Hmm?" Edward barely glanced up before returning to her arm. "Oh, nice, Heroin. I'll rape you later, if that's what you're asking."

"Shweet," Sue said. She briefly glanced over at the Fatty Brigade table. Losers. They actually weren't dressed as whores. What was the point of that?

"So anyways," Sue continued, "What's your favorite part of Halloween?"

Edward stopped drinking for a moment, appearing to seriously consider the question. The he said, "Trick-or-treating."

Sue stared at him. "You're not serious."

He looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean?"

"Aren't you a little—a lot—too old for that?"

"Oh, I don't _go_ trick-or-treating," He shook his head. "I'd just have to puke the candy out anyways. I just hide in the bushes, and grab small children who walk by. They've all been eating candy, so they're plenty sweet."

Sue just looked at him, one eye twitching slightly. "That's… kinda messed up."

He shrugged. "To each their own." Then he turned to the camera and waved. "Have a happy Halloween everyone!_"_


	9. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

_Hurray! It's the rape chapter! I think this is probably the first time I've actually laughed out loud while I was writing this thing. But then again, I knew I would have fun with this chapter. Man, this book starts off slow. But I think we're actually getting somewhere now. I can't wait till the rest of the Cullens come in—I have big plans for all of them. Gwahahaha!_

At some point during the drive to Port Angeles, Sue managed to slip out of the trunk into the main compartment. This might not have been the best idea, as Fatty nearly crashed the car in the process, but Sue sure as **** was not going to spend the whole trip crammed in Fatty's trunk.

After a fair amount of screaming and various other expressions of shock and outrage, the female members of the Fatty Brigade grudgingly conceded that there was nothing they could do about Sue's presence, so they'd just have to drag her along until she managed to get herself into some life or death situation. Sue settled into the backseat, and proceeded to not participate in the conversation until the subject eventually came around to Sue herself.

"So, out of random curiosity, why the **** didn't you say yes to any one of the legions of fanboys who asked you to the dance? Do you just have ridiculously high standards, like the majority of the teenager girls who read this book now have?" Lauren, a girl who spent her weekends volunteering at a animal shelter, a fact that the actual story glosses over because it's too busy making her seem like a one dimensional ***** who has it out for our poor heroine, asked Sue.

"Evidently," Sue said.

"What a loser," Fatty commented offhandedly.

"C'mon, you're going to prom with me, aren'tcha, baby?" Said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

Sue screamed for a bit, and the car swerved worryingly. "Do you wanna die?" Fatty asked angrily, "'cause it sure seems like you want me to crash this car."

"How the **** did you get here?" Sue asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Well, I was minding my own business, haunting the school like usual, when I saw you stow away in that trunk, so I climbed in there with you!"

Sue twitched briefly, then finally managed to stutter out, "that's just a little bit creepy."

"I know what you mean…" Lauren said darkly, glancing sideways at Sue. Sue remembered that she was the only one who could see the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. The situation must have looked rather odd to the Fatty Brigade.

After a bit more stimulating conversation, they arrived at the department store and began to look for dresses for those who weren't too cool for dances. Sue made subtly veiled snarky comments about the Fatty Brigade's appearances, while the Ghost of Tyler Crowley abused his invisibility to peek into the dressing rooms.

"So, girl-with-no-personality-whatsoever," Sue said to Angela, "tell me more about the Cullens."

"God, you really do have a one track mind, don't you? Don't you ever think about anything else?" Lauren said, looking up from a strappy black pair of shoes.

"No, not really," Sue said, absentmindedly. "Anyway, make with the Cullen-talky."

"Sure!" Angela said, smiling. Lauren rolled her eyes. "What do you want to know?"

"Is it normal for them to miss school a lot?"

"Oh yeah, whenever it's sunny. This couldn't possibly be significant or anything, combined with the never eating, deathly paleness, occasional blood sucking…" Angela rattled off.

"Hmmm…" Sue said.

They had finished shopping early (no one had wanted to deal with Sue more than necessary). The Fatty Brigade took the opportunity to ditch Sue, saying something about meeting at an Italian restaurant later.

"Fine!" she shouted after them, "I'll go find a dark alley or something!" And she proceeded to do just that.

"****" she said, breaking away from her pointlessly angsty musings on Edward Cullen long enough to notice an imminent raping.

"I concur," one of the members of the group of men said.

At that moment, a silver car came streaking down the street, fishtailing around, and stopping with the passenger door open. It also almost hit Sue in the process.

"I've always wanted to do that," Edward said from the driver's seat. [Who hasn't? And I am referring to both the epic fishtail maneuver and the hitting of Sue.]

"Edward? Isn't this too perfect of timing?" Sue asked.

"Yup. Now get in the car. I'll take care of this," Edward said, climbing out of the car. As she began to follow his command, he took a few steps forward, then looked back over his shoulder. "Oh yeah, humans don't really like the sight of blood, huh? You might want to close your eyes, then."

"Now then," Edward said, turning back to the would-be rapists. "I believe someone was about to get ****ed."

"****," said the rapists.

It was probably a good thing Edward had thought to warn Sue. The scattered glimpses she got were enough to give her nightmares for weeks.

After a rather violent few minutes, the driver's side door opened, and Sue opened her eyes. She shut them again almost immediately. Edward was waving a severed arm in her face. "You want some?" he offered.

Sue didn't speak, knowing that words would probably not be what would come out of her mouth.

Edward shrugged. "I guess that's a no. Oh well, more for me."

Sue didn't even want to think about the possible origins for the noises she heard then.

"Alright, alright, coast is clear, you can open your eyes now."

She did so. Edward wiped his hand on his jeans, and casually turned on the windshield wipers, clearing the red splatters from the glass.

"So," Edward said, looking over at her, "You hungry?"

The Fatty Brigade had already left before Sue had deigned to grace them with her presence, so she and Edward got a table together. Sue was still trying to focus on not vomiting all over Edward, so he carried most of the conversation on his own.

"And you would not believe how long it takes to get my hair perfect. I have to use so much Axe—"

The waitress came over then, interrupting them. "Alright, pretty boy. I'm going to ask the question every woman ever wants to know. Why the **** are you with her?"

"Because this whole thing is Stephanie Meyer's dream world?" Edward offered.

The waitress stared at him. "What?"

He shrugged. "She tastes good."

"Oh."

The waitress turned and walked away.

[Yawn, yawn, romantic insinuation crap, skipping that…]

"So... why do you have a car?" Sue asked after her stomach had suitably settled. "Where's Liaf?"

"Hmm? Oh, he took tonight off. Sometimes you just need to go kill something, you know? So I stole some loser's car. We Cullens obviously have no qualms against such petty thievery. But unmarried sex, oh, don't even go there… That guy is probably not going to be very happy when he gets that car back, by the way. It's going to need a good wash or two."

"Right…" Sue trailed off, trying not to think about it. "So just how exactly did you find me?"

"Oh, that's easy enough," Edward said, taking a sip from a red liquid he had brought with him in a bottle. He had stuck a bendy straw in it, strangely enough. "I'm stalking you."

"Oh." She thought about that for a while. "So… why the **** did you wait until the last possible moment to save me?"

"*****, please. I'm the hero. I have to dramatically save the helpless damsel-in-distress at the last moment, or it kills everything. Don't you know anything?"

"Apparently not."

"Lovely."


	10. Blah Blah Blah

_ Snow, snow, it's snowing as I write this… don't you love snow? It's cold, white, sparkly, and… oh ****, Meyer wrote about snowflakes, not vampires! Sigh, this chapter was lots of dialogue. I can't wait until something actually happens. But I'm pretty sure I still I have about a hundred more pages to get through. _

Liaf showed up at some point, apparently believing that if he left Edward alone for too long, he would get himself into trouble. Edward attempted to protest that, but the stolen, bloodstained car parked in front of the restaurant begged to differ.

Edward tossed Sue into the carriage, shutting the door behind him as he followed. Liaf whipped the horses into action, and they left the town. Edward, his bottle now empty, absently reached over and grabbed Sue's arm, which was now amassing quite a collection of bite wounds.

"Erm… so…" Sue said after a while, tired of listening to the sucking sounds, "is the rest of your family as crazy as you are?"

He put down the arm, deciding that too much more and he'd actually kill the girl. He wiped his mouth and said, "Naw, they're way worse. Like Rosalie, for example, is totally obsessed with babies. And Carlisle… no, I won't get into it. I'll let it be a surprise. Anyway…" Edward glanced down at the script, "'I'm still waiting for your latest theory?' Seriously? We're 182 pages into this thing and you still haven't confirmed that I'm a vampire yet? Jesus ****ing Christ."

"I'm betting that isn't in the script…" They faintly heard Liaf say.

"You're a vampire?!" Sue said.

Edward covered his face with his palm. "Didn't you fail-seduce an impressionable young boy into telling you that?"

"Well, yeah."

"And? Shouldn't you maybe have thought through the repercussions of that fact? Maybe considered that I could be, like, dangerous? That getting involved this far might end up getting you killed if these books actually had some conflict?"

She whispered, "I decided none of that really mattered."

One of Edward's not-unnatural-at all yellow eyes twitched. "Seriously? W. T. F."

"But I am curious," she said.

"That's a little bit of an understatement… oh, you meant, right, well, go on, what are you curious about?" He said as he rolled his eyes.

"How old are you?"

"That's your first question?"

She blinked. "Well, yeah. It's quite important."

"Old enough for this to be pretty ****ing creepy."

"But just how old?"

"Old. Like, older than your grandfather. So, all you Edward Cullen fangirls out there, just imagine having sex with your grandpa. Team Edward FTW, huh?" Edward said, ranting off.

Now it was Sue's eye that twitched. "That's a lovely mental image."

He shrugged. "You should be able to get it out of your head around the fourth book. Now, any other questions?"

Sue wasn't quite sure she wanted to ask anything else. Nonetheless, she began to say, "Oh, how about all that cool vampire lore about crosses and holy water and—"

Edward cut her off. "Yeah. No. Screw all that."

"Oh."

"Yup."

"So, why do you call yourselves vampires, if you don't actually have any of the traits of a vampire?"

Edward looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "You know, I never thought of that. Hmmm… here, let me look this up."

Edward pulled out his iphone, went to , and looked up "vampire." He scrolled through the definitions. [Just so you know, I actually did this.]

"Hmm… well, I suppose you're right, none of these actually fit… oh, wait! 'a woman who unscrupulously exploits, ruins, or degrades the men she seduces.' That fits! Well, except for, you know, the woman part." [and that is an actual definition from .]

"Right…" Sue responded. "Oh, well, what about the drinking blood part—the very essence of a vampire?"

Edward stared at her. "Umm…" he snapped his fingers. "Um… yeah. Me and my family, we're, uh, vegetarian vampires. We only suck blood from animals. Oh, yeah, you might want to stop the bleeding from your arm, by the way."

As Sue pulled a band-aid from her purse and stuck it over the twin puncture wounds, a snort could be heard from Liaf, along with a mummer that sounded like, "Really, pretty boy? I don't know what kinda vegetarians you've been hanging out with, but I'm pretty sure that's some terminology fail. Because vegetarians totally condone the murder of animals in order to suck their blood, amirite?"

"So you _are_ a good vampire!" Sue said excitedly.

"'Cause killing bunnies for their blood is totally better, right?"

Sue nodded.

An awkward silence filled the carriage.

"So why do you hunt animals instead of people?"

Edward did some quick thinking (he peeked at the script). "'I don't _want _to be a monster?' Oh, _come on_. Who comes up with this? Who would seriously want to be with such an angsty little *****?"

Sue adoringly stared at him in the background.

"Right. Any other questions?" He said, his face covered with his palm.

"Oh yeah, why do you always miss school when it's sunny if the sun doesn't actually hurt you?"

"_That_ is something you'll actually have to see to believe."

"Why, because it's so amazing?"

"No, 'cause it's so **** stupid that even saying it aloud makes me gayer."

Sue nodded, as if she understood that. She noticed they were almost at her house.

As they pulled up to her house, he said, "Anyway, I'm dangerous, we shouldn't be doing this, blah blah blah, all that ****. Oh yeah, don't go into the woods."

"What?" Sue asked, stepping out of the carriage.

"Please. You going into the woods is just like asking to be raped. Or mauled by a grizzly bear. Or raped by a grizzly bear. It's just better not to go there.

Then he breathed on her, his breath lightly perfumed with the oh-so-appealing scent of fresh blood. Hawt.

Sue stumbled inside in a daze, not even bothering to tell her cop father about the near raping. She climbed into the shower and started the hot water running.

About three things she was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire (duh). Second there was a part of him—and she didn't know how potent that part might be, but I'm guessing somewhere around pretty **** potent—that thirsted for her blood . And third, she was probably better off with the rapists.


	11. Mmmm stake

_For those of you familiar with Tales of Symphonia, I'm listening to Zelos's theme right now. Good song to get me in the mood for writing this. _

_ Now, since this chapter is just more boring dialogue about crap no one really cares about, I decided to screw the whole thing and just have some fun. It should only be about four more chapters before we actually get to the cool actiony scenes that aren't really that cool or actiony. Wheeeeee!_

_ Oh, and one last thing: I've decided I'm going to kill Edward in every chapter from now on. Don't worry, though, he'll get put back together. Feel free to suggest imaginative ways he could die, and I'll try to work them in. That is all._

"Heroin."

"Edward."

"Would you two just shut the **** up and get in the mother ****ing carriage?"

Sue stopped gazing longingly into Edward's hungry red eyes long enough to look up at Liaf, in the driver's seat. "Good morning, Liaf," she said.

"Go **** yourself, Mary Sue," he replied.

"Well, now that we've got that out of the way, let's go, shall we?" Edward said, throwing Sue into the carriage before climbing in himself.

"So," Sue asked, "where's the rest of your family?"

Edward shrugged. "At school, I assume."

"How'd they get there if you have the carriage?"

"Oh, they turned into bats and flew."

"What?" Sue stared at Edward.

He stared right back. "Is it any worse than sparkling?"

"Point taken," Sue conceded. "But why didn't they just ride with you?"

"'Cause they're going to _school_," Edward said.

"And we're not?" Sue asked.

"Nope!" Edward smiled. "I've already got five college degrees, and you don't need an education since you're going to spend the rest of your life taking care of my mutant children and making me sammiches. _Blood _sammichs. With bread made out of…"

Liaf swore loudly as Sue puked out the window.

"At least you were able to get the window open!" Edward said, laughing. "Imagine what he would have done if you threw up inside."

"Anyway," Sue said. "If we're not going to school, then where are we going?"

"Somewhere with an economy that doesn't revolve around correctional facilities and exploiting hysterical _twilight _(too cool for a capital "T") fans by selling 'Edward Cullen' burgers or similar crap," Edward said as they drove past the "Now leaving Sporks" sign.

"Oh. Why?"

"Well, you know that 'dating' thing that people in healthy relationship typically do before deciding they can't live without each other?"

Sue's eyes lit up, "Yes!"

"Yeah, we're not doing that. But we're going to pretend to, while I covertly suck your blood."

"Good enough for me," Sue said.

After driving through the depressing woods that make up the setting for the novel for a while, they eventually came to a town that did, in fact, have some redeeming qualities that were not related to _twilight_. Or logging. Did you know Sporks has a timber museum? It "provides a fascinating look back into the local history of the timber industry." But no one really cares about that. They're too busy staring at Carlisle's parking space in front of the hospital. I'm not really sure which is worse. [Quote, by the way, from Wikipedia's page on Forks. Which is pretty **** funny by itself. What an excellent choice of setting for this book. I have to say—it certainly fits.]

They pulled into a mall. Liaf cut off a car and made a rude gesture as they parked. He had chosen a space next to a pole, which he promptly tied the horses to. Edward climbed out of the carriage, dragging Sue with him. "So what do you want to do first?"

Sue opened her mouth to answer, but Edward promptly screamed, "Surprise bloodsucking!" and tackled Sue. He then proceeded with the bloodsucking.

Sue unsteadily climbed to her feet a few minutes later. "Ow," she said.

"Well, know that we've gotten that out of the way, let's go to Starbucks!" Edward grabbed her hand and dragged her into the mall.

After staggering her way to the aforementioned coffee franchise, Edward bought her a coffee and sat her down on a bench. She quietly sipped at it, attempting to recover from the dizziness.

"Gotta love breakfast!" Edward smiled as he wiped at a red stain at the corner of his mouth. "Let's go do… whatever it is people do at malls!"

[Insert mall montage and montage music.]

A few hours later, they stood in Victoria's Secret. Edward was standing in front of a particularly lacy display of bras. "How about this one?" He said, pointing to a black one.

"Edward, why are we looking at lingerie?" Sue asked.

He turned to her, his hands full of merchandise, a surprised expression on his face. "I would have thought that is self-explanatory. 'Cause we all know where this relationship is going."

"Joy," Sue said.

"Alright," Edward said as they checked out, "Humans need to eat pretty often, right? So let's go to the food court!"

They did so, and Sue got a piece of pizza. They found an empty table and sat down. Edward grabbed Sue's arm, and sucked from it for a bit while Sue ate. After a while, she asked, "don't you ever eat?"

Edward put the arm down and shook his head. "Nope, don't need to. Human juice is plenty."

"So you can't eat? But what if someone dared you to eat food?" Sue asked.

Edward crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "*****, please. I'm Edward Freaking Cullen. I can very well do anything I want."

"Oh yeah?" Sue said, sliding the piece of pizza over to him. "Prove it."

"It's on," He said, glaring down at the pizza. The piece just kind of sat there, apparently unmoved by the threat. "How 'bout this? If I'm able to eat that pizza, I then get to eat you."

"And if you fail?" Sue asked, resting her chin on one hand.

"Well then…"

He was apparently quite sure of his victory. Sue smiled.

"Deal," she said.

"I so got this," Edward said, melodramatically whipping the pizza up to his mouth and biting off the very tip.

He promptly began choking, and fell out of the chair.

For those of you out there counting, that would be pizza: 1, Edward Cullen: 0.

After Edward had writhed for a bit, Sue took mercy on him and performed the Heimlich maneuver. He sat up and gasped for breath. A few of the people walking around the food court gave them funny looks.

A shadow fell over him, and he looked up to see Sue grinning ominously. "You lost. Which means you have to uphold your end of the bet."

Edward whimpered quietly.

*********

Liaf finally went looking for Edward around midnight. He had found Edward's Bottle O'Blood and was sipping from the bendy straw as he inspected Edward. "Lost another bet, huh?"

"Yes. Now get this thing the **** out of my chest!"

Edward was slumped in that one corner of Hot Topic where they keep all the crappy twilight merchandise. There was a wooden stake securely lodged in his chest.

"Girl actually staked you, huh?" Liaf said, taking pictures with his cell phone.

"That's kinda obvious. And it hurts like *****, so, for the love of god, please stop taking pictures and help me!"

"Yeah… no. I think I'll just leave you somewhere the fangirls will find you. That should be amusing."

The moral of this story is, of course, that a stake through the chest still sucks no matter how sparkly you are.


	12. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

_Aren't teenager girls supposed to have short attention spans? So how can they sit through 40+ pages of Edward and Bella going to school and talking? Blegh. _

"Um, Edward?" Sue asked tentatively.

"Yes, Heroin?" He asked, not looking up from what he was reading.

"Are we going to school?"

They once again sat in the carriage, the oh-so-lovely ever-present rain of Sporks dripping down the windows, Liaf cursing loudly in the background ("Why the **** do I have to sit in the god**** rain!?"). Edward was deeply focused on reading something while Sue stared at him, wondering what their plans were for today.

Edward sighed deeply, then looked up at her and very deliberately rolled his eyes once. It appeared school was not on today's agenda either. Then he tossed his reading material out the carriage's window, and spoke disgustedly. "That was the script for this chapter. If we go to school, it appears we'll engage in more boring dialogue, except this time it's about you, which is the only possible way she could have made it more boring. For ****'s sake, there's even two whole pages on how your favorite gemstone is topaz. We already knew you were obsessed with me, no need to get that creepy to prove it! So, yeah, **** that. We're going to a movie."

"Oh," Sue blinked, not understanding what Edward was going on about, not possessing fourth wall breaking powers herself.

"Does that mean I can drive you to the ****ing theater and get out of this ****ing rain?" Liaf said, his voice tinged with just a touch of annoyance.

"So what movie are we going to see?" Sue asked, as the carriage rolled down the roads of Sporks, only occasionally getting honked at, to which Liaf responded appropriately. Appropriately, of course, being a relative term. It was probably a good thing that the chief of police in Sporks was Sue's useless father. Any competent officer would have long since arrested them.

"Hmm," Edward stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know. I heard about this one that just came out that's pretty popular."

"What's it called?" Sue asked.

"I believe it was called _New Moon_."

*********

"Here we are," Liaf called down. "I'll be unsuccessfully trying to get wasted, so just call me when you're done."

"Wow," Sue said, watching the carriage drive off. "He didn't curse once right then."

"**** you all!" Liaf called back.

"Oh, there we go," Sue shrugged. "Shall we go in now?"

They walked in and bought their tickets, getting the student discount, and not at all making it obvious that they were ditching. Then Sue bought herself some ridiculously large and overpriced movie concessions.

The theater was packed with _twilight moms_, who were taking the chance to go see the movie while their children were at school, and who screamed almost as loudly as the teenage fan base.

_Maybe once the cool vampire action sequences happen, I can reach over and hold Edward's hand, as if it's just too much for me! _Sue thought. Or rather, she would have thought, was Edward not already busy acquainting himself with her arm—at least, a vein in her arm. And if there were actually any cool actiony scenes in the movie.

After enduring a couple of hours of the _twilight_ _moms _screaming at the shirtless sharkboy, the torture finally ended and Sue and Edward walked outside into the equally depressing perpetual rainstorm.

"Oh god, if I never have to go through torture like that again, I will be the happiest person on earth," Sue said.

"Needed moar Edward, in my opinion," said Edward.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever," Sue said, watching the _twilight moms _climb into their minivans and drive off. "What now?"

"We could go to the Timber Museum!" Edward suggested.

"That sounds almost as much fun as school," Sue replied.

"Shweet." Edward whipped out his iphone and called Liaf (Who was not in a very good mood, having failed in his quest of getting drunk and then being forced to go out in the rain again.)

A few minutes later, they were standing in the Sporks Timber museum, looking at… whatever you look at at a timber museum. Wood and those plaid lumberjack shirts? Anyways, the Timber Museum was about as thrilling as it sounds.

About the only good thing was the gift shop. Sue bought a pine tree air freshener for Liaf (who was off trying to buy drugs, since getting drunk didn't work. And was failing, because crack doesn't work on vampires, and where exactly would he find drugs in _Sporks_?)

"Wow," Edward said. "This has kinda been a fail, huh? We probably should have gone to school and scooted our chairs steadily closer to each other during Biology. That most likely would have been more interesting then this."

"Yeah," Sue said, as they walked down a rather large flight of stairs outside the Timber Museum. "I wish something exciting would happen."

At that moment, a miracle occurred. It stopped raining, the clouds parted a bit, and a few weak rays of sun fell upon the dreariness that was Sporks. Which _never_ happens. But anyways, said sun rays also fell upon the dreariness that was Edward Cullen, sending him into a massive fit of sparkling. Sue was caught by surprise, all concentration focused on not falling down the stairs, was blinded by the incredible glittering, and did, in fact, fall down the stairs. Into Edward. Both of them tumbled down the extraordinarily long flight of stairs before finally crashing to a halt at the bottom.

"Ow," Sue said, rubbing her head as she sat up and looked around. She seemed fine, aside from a few bruises.

"SON OF A *****!!!"

The same, apparently, could not be said for Edward.

He somehow managed to impale himself on a short metal pole near the foot of the stairs. It apparently had punctured the still healing stake wound.

"That's gotta hurt," Sue said.

"You ****ing think so?" Edward gasped.

"Right, um… well, I should probably go home before my cop father shows up and starts wildly firing his gun in a futile attempt to protect me."

"Too late!" shouted the aforementioned cop father, punctuating his arrival with a few gunshots. "I'm here to do absolutely nothing! And I brought sharkboy and the cripple with me!"

Sure enough, trailing behind him was the soon-to-be-pedo (some know him as Jacob) and his father and convenient spreader of tribal folklore, Billy Black, in a wheelchair.

"Kill!" Shouted Billy, his eyes bugging out of their sockets as he frantically pointed at the extremely dangerous incapacitated Edward and his furry of a son pushed him forward. "Kill the vampiric son of a *****!"

That cop father of Sue's tried his best to do so. His aim wasn't that great, considering he hadn't ever actually shot at anything before, being the police chief of _Sporks_. He did manage to hit Edward a few times. He also hit Sue a few times as well, but he only got her brain, nothing too important.

The heroic trio then grabbed Sue's body, dragged it over to their car, and drove away.

Edward flailed around on the pole for a bit, sending droplets of blood splattering everywhere. Eventually realizing he was not going to be able to free himself, he gave up and just hung there, waiting for Liaf to come and free him.

Hopefully he'd have some spare crack for Edward to at least attempt to get high off of.


	13. Hey look somethings happennever mind

_God, I love Flaming Hot Cheetos. _

"We're never going to school again, are we?"

"Nope," Edward said.

"What do you want, already?" The slightly creepy old guy behind the counter asked, annoyed. The sentiment was echoed by the rest of the people waiting behind them in the line at McDonalds.

"Oh!" Sue said, "Give me a double quarter pounder combo. And yes, I do want to supersize."

"Right," the man said, bored. "And for you, good sir?"

Edward rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm… I'll take one of those Mexicans from the back, please."

The man stared at him.

"Two double quarter pounders it is," he finally said, and turned to the next costumer.

"How come they never take me seriously when I ask that?" Edward complained as Sue carried their tray over to a table. "Discrimination against vampires, that's what it is."

Sue didn't bother to point out the irony in Edward being the victim of discrimination as she unwrapped her burger and took a big bite of it.

"So," Edward said, after he finished choking on his burger, "Why is Sharkboy following us around?"

"It's Wolfboy now!" Jacob protested from the next table, setting down his own double quarter pounder (raw, of course).

"So why is the one character that is not pasty white following us around?" Edward asked.

Sue shrugged. "Well, see, in an effort to create that thing most books have that's called conflict, Jacob is now infatuated with me. And I am madly in love with him as well. But I'm even more madly in love with you, so he'll just have to settle for our daughter. Which won't be awkward at all. But that won't happen until the fourth book, so right now he's still attempting to win my heart. Apparently he got the idea that I like stalkers. I have no idea how. Oh, random question! What do you do at night if you can't sleep, anyways?"

Edward had progressed to choking on fries, and as such, did not answer.

After they had finished eating and made pointless small talk, Edward looked at his watch and said, "Oh, I have to go now."

Sue instantly became frantic and nearly started to hyperventilate at the thought of being separated from Edward. "What?? Why????" she whined.

"Well, since _someone_," Edward turned to glare darkly at the man behind the counter, "refused to give me a satisfying meal, I'm still hungry. And I'm pretty sure if I drink anymore from you, you'll die, and that's no fun. I have way bigger plans for your death. But that comes later. For right now, I'm going to go find a woman to seduce, and then make diner."

"But… but…" Sue pouted. "What about me?"

"Well, I'll need the carriage for my evening, so I guess I'll just get my sister to take you home."

"Your sister?" Sue asked.

"Yup," Edward replied, as a little black haired thing appeared next to him. "This is Alice, my sister."

"Wassup, dude?" She giggled, her eyes slightly unfocused.

"What's wrong with her?" Sue whispered to Edward.

"Hmmm? Oh! Right, I didn't even think about that. I guess I'm too used to it," Edward said.

"Used to what?" Sue asked.

"Alice is kinda a stoner. Just a little. Don't worry about it. And don't worry about it if she says she 'sees the future'… she does that sometimes. And usually she predicts people's deaths. But she's not really predicting the future, so don't worry about it."

"So none of the people she predicted would die actually did?"

"Umm… yeah… hey, Alice, take care of her. I'm leaving now bye!" Edward exited the McDonalds.

"Watch out for dogs," Alice advised him as he left.

"I have to go now too," Jacob said after eating the remains of Edward's food.

"I'm kinda supposed to be in school right now."

Sue scoffed as he left, leaving her alone with Alice.

"So, uh…" Sue said.

"Let's getcha home, m'kay?" Alice as she danced (swayed might be more accurate) over to the door.

"Shouldn't _we _go to school too?" Sue asked.

"Naw man, fight the system and all that, ya know? If we go there, they'll just oppress us," Alice said dreamily as she led Sue to a car and climbed in. Sue gave the car a once over. It appeared normal. Strange.

Sue shrugged and climbed in. "'Sides," Alice continued, "Edward apparently thinks you'll either get killed or kill yourself, so I need to watch you, at least until Edward gets back."

"When does he get back?" Sue asked.

"Dunno. Sometime tonight," Alice said as she danced across the road, causing several collisions as cars swerved to avoid her.

They spent the rest of the day playing video games (Alice was surprisingly good at Super Smash Bros Brawl). When Sue finally went to sleep, after putting her Doberman puppy, Spike, outside, she thought of Edward. So much so, that she thought that she heard Edward's voice, saying "Holy ****! This dog is insane! Down! Down! Oh mother ******, my arm! You tore it off!"

The next day was wonderfully sunny. Sue threw open her window, looking down at the strange sparkly bits on her lawn. She tried to figure out what it was. That one piece there almost looked like a hand. She shrugged and gave up.

She walked downstairs, where Alice was sitting in a corner, occasionally laughing to herself. That was the same position Sue had left her in last night. "Where's Edward?" Sue asked her.

"Hmm? He should have been back by now," Alice walked over to the front door and opened it, her eyes landing on the scattered sparkly bits on the lawn. "I can fix that," she said. Sue cocked her head, confused. "Do you have any tape?"

Sue handed it to her. Alice stepped outside and shut the door. Sue waited, bemused. Then the door opened, and Alice was no longer alone. A slightly battered Edward was standing next to her.

"Are you ready for something to actually happen?" Edward asked.

[me: yes!]


	14. These don't like my Punctuation!

_Here we are. The meadow scene. This is where everything began—the sparkling, the book, Meyer's journey to money mountain… And with this chapter we get to the more interesting part of the book. In the most relative of senses. Joy. In addition, we are now more than half-way through _too-cool-for-a-capital-t-wilight. _Many thanks for sticking with me up till now—I really do appreciate it._

"Hiking? Why the **** do we need to go hiking to a meadow in the middle of nowhere just to see you sparkle?" Sue asked, staring down said mountain. A nearby sign read "money mountain." "Couldn't we go somewhere closer, like, my backyard?"

"What!" Edward said. "No way! That wouldn't be romantic at all. Plus this meadow is an important plot point later."

"Wut?" Sue said.

"Nothing." Edward said. "Shall we go?" he unbuttoned his shirt (I don't know why), and then strapped on a jetpack. Don't ask.

"A jetpack?" Sue said, asking.

"Don't ask," Edward said. (I think that's more or less how the book went.) "Just jump into my arms and we will dramatically fly to the clearing."

"Hurry up!" Sue called back to him.

"Hey! Wait for meeeee!" Edward called, jetting into the trees.

A few amusing hours later, our heroes (if you really want to call them that) arrived in the clearing only slightly worse for the wear. Edward promptly flung himself into the sunlight and rolled around in the flowers, laughing manically the whole time as he sparkled.

"…" Sue said.

"Are you in love with me yet?" Edward looked up from his frolicking to ask.

"Surprisingly, yes," She said, and then walked over to frolic with him.

Which of course, lasted like five seconds before he tried to bite her.

"What are you doing?" Sue asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Edward asked, confused, Sue's arm suspended in the air half-way to his mouth.

"No, Edward. You can't do that," Sue scolded.

"Why the **** not?"

"Because it's not in the script," Sue hissed.

"What, we're actually following that thing now?" Edward asked.

"Yes, so _stick to it_," then her voice returned to normal—aka obnoxious. "Oh, Edward, I love you so much," she trilled.

Edward sat up and brushed a few stray flowers out of his **bronze **hair. "I know babe, but it's too dangerous. You're like my heroin," he said in a monotone. "I might kill you. We can't be together. It's too dangerous. Except I'm weak. So we'll stay together. And it only takes four books for us to realize this."

"That is so not what the script says," Sue said crossing her arms.

Edward stuck his tongue out at her. "Is too. I just paraphrased a little."

"A little?" Sue said doubtfully.

"This script is stooooopid anyways!" Edward tossed all the pages up in the air. They blew all around the clearing.

"What did you do that for?" Sue asked. "Now what are we going to do?"

"Run down the mountain really fast?" Edward suggested.

"What the F—" Sue managed to get out before Edward picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder, and proceeded to run down the mountain really fast.

He only hit a couple trees in the process, so when they had finally made it to the bottom of the mountain and Liaf and his carriage, they only looked slightly terrible.

"Woah," Liaf said, "You two ****** then, huh. Nice going, vampire boy."

"No, we didn't—" Sue started to say, but Edward cut her off.

"I know right! It was great," Edward said loudly, and then hissed to Sue, "just go along with it. It'll happen eventually anyway. Who really gives a **** if it happens before we're married or not?"

[I'll give you a hint: not any of the characters!]

"You just don't want to admit you ran into a tree, do you?" Sue whispered back.

"Not really," he returned.

Unfortunately, since vampires=awesome at everything, Liaf had heard everything they just said. "Bwahahaha, you hit a tree? Were you trying to do the stupid fast running thing again?"

Edward winced. "Several. Kinda. Can we talk about something else?"

"Like what?" Sue asked.

The trio stood there in silence for a minute.

"No one has any ideas?" Sue asked. "We still have like a third of a chapter to go!"

"We've parodied the whole chapter already. The only way we could make this longer is if we went back and made fun of it line by line. Doable, but redundant," Edward said.

"I thought we were supposed to be out of the back and forth mushy dialogue by now!" Sue said.

"Wanna know a secret?" Liaf said. "It never ****ing goes away."

"What about when Edward's not there?" Sue asked.

"Then it's inner monologues of you gushing about Edward. Your character is solely based on your relationship with him. You are nothing without him—proved by the crappy second book. He leaves you, and it breaks the book. BREAKS THE BOOK."

"I am such a good role model for the millions of teenage girls and their mothers fangirling over this book." Sue said.

"Just like how we show what a healthy relationship should be!" Edward chimed in.

"Exactly," Sue replied. "But the intense realism of our story doesn't change the fact we still have nothing to do."

"Well, all that did pretty well at taking up space," Edward said.

"Hmm," Sue said, attempting to come up with something to do.

"I know!" Liaf said, snapping his fingers. "We haven't slaughtered pretty-boy yet!"

"Good plan!" Sue said. "Any ideas?

"Oh, I can think of a few," Liaf said, laughing darkly.

"I don't think I like this…" Edward said.

****

Several hours later, the trio sat in Sue's backyard.

"See," she muttered under her breath. "Told ya this would be easier."

"So, um," Edward said, his voice only slightly higher than usual. "What are we doing now?"

"Making s'mores," Sue said innocently.

"Oh, really?" Edward said, his voice returning to normal, if slightly surprised. "Cause thought that you two were going to, like, try to murder me or something…"

"Surprise!" Sue cried, and attempted to push Edward onto the fire.

"Son of a—no you can't do that, I'll really die!" then Edward faded into inarticulate screaming as his pinky made contact with the flame, and he managed to escapes from Sue.

"Not cool, man! You go my pinky!" He said, holding up his mangled left hand, now pinkyless.

"Oh well, good enough," Sue said.


	15. Storytime with Liaf

_Yawn. I can't think of anything to say here. I like this chapter, though. _

"And that's when pretty-boy bit me," Liaf said. "Little ****er." He took a drink from a blood-bottle.

"That's quite the story," Sue said, as she ate another s'more. "So how about you, Edward? How did you become a vampire?"

Edward, however, was slight busy curling up in the corner of Sue's backyard and quietly whimpering, holding his pinky-challenged hand. So Liaf graciously began to tell the story for him.

"Edward, as all the fangirls know and ignore, is really ****ing old. Like older than your grandfather. That should evoke all kind of delightful mental images for all of you out there," Liaf began. "He was born in the year 1901."

[Picture the rest of this story proceeding in silent movie mode. And, for the fun of it, picture Edward with a handlebar mustache.]

"Now then, this was a depressing time, because everyone was dying from some random disease," Liaf voiced over, "And among those afflicted with said random fatal disease was a certain Edward Cullen. Now, I know what you're thinking. If Edward Cullen was dying, how was it depressing? Well, I'll tell you why. _He didn't actually die_. No one dies in this whole series. Except minor characters. Because anticlimactic is awesome. So yeah, Edward was lying there, dying, and instead of doing the world a favor and letting him kick the bucket, Carlisle, everyone's favorite creeper doctor, turned him into a vampire, via the incredibly ****ing painful three day process.

"If you want to know the reason why Carlisle did that… well, you've never met Carlisle before, right? I'll let you ask him yourself. Should make for an interesting conversation, at least.

"But, Carlisle's…questionable… motivations aside, Edward became a vampire, and from that day forth, he set out to unleash a reign of terror… er, join in Carlisle peaceful ways. Yeah, that's it. Anyways, when it became clear that Edward would not quite serve in the capacity Carlisle intended, he added Esme to their already dysfunctional family. Esme had jumped off a cliff for some reason that isn't at all related to the secret propaganda behind this whole series. But anyways, Esme hadn't quite managed to die by the time Carlisle showed up, and subsequently got vampire'd.

"So you have to be dying to get… vampire'd?" Sue interrupted.

"Naw." Liaf shrugged. "That's just Carlisle's style. I've never cared to ask him why, but I think it's just cause he's a secret sadist. 'Hey, random dying person, I can save you.' 'Oh gee thanks mister, dying hurts so much, please save my from the pain—OH GOD IT BURNS I THOUGHT YOU'D SAVE ME WHY.' 'Yeah, I forgot to mention that it hurts like ****. But at least you won't die!' 'HOLY **** HOW LONG DOES THIS LAST?' 'Three days.' 'SON OF A' 'Yup! But then you get to spend the rest of your life having sex!' You know, that type of thing," Liaf finished.

Sue nodded, slightly confused by Liaf's back and forth dialogue.

"Anyway, where was I?" Liaf asked. "Oh right, I had just finished with Esme. Alright, well, Rosalie came next. Carlisle thought his little 'family' could use a woman's touch, so he vamp'd the first prostitute he found dying in the gutter. Which is how we got Barbie. Edward had his way with her for a while, but then decided to set sail for more… _unexplored_… lands. Also, more edible ones.

"So at this point, Rosalie was severely lacking in man. And, considering this is twilight, no woman can live without a man, preferably a husband, to keep her from jumping off a cliff. So when she found Emmett dying in a gutter—it's a common trend with us—Carlisle was more than happy to vamp him for her."

"And what about Alice and Jasper?" Sue asked

"Well, they're a little bit of special cases. Emphasis on special. Neither of them were vamp'd by Carlisle. Rather, they found us on their own.

"You've met Alice before, haven't you? Then you know how she is. We're pretty sure she was high at the time she got vamp'd, and kinda got stuck like that. I say 'pretty sure,' because she doesn't remember anything of her human life. Big surprise, huh. She musta been on some pretty heavy stuff to end up like that. Lucky her. She just woke up one day and began to stumble around until she came across Jasper.

"Jasper was busy at the time crouching in a dark alleyway doing that freaky owl stare of his when he saw Alice. It was kinda day at the time, so she was hard to miss. Curse that sparkling. He responded by hiding deeper in the shadows. The epitome of courage, that boy. Well, lucky for both of them, Pretty-boy and I also happened by skulking around dark alleyways at that time, and managed to drag Alice into the shadows before she got stake'd."

"Why were you in a skulking around dark alleys?" Sue asked.

Liaf shrugged. "We were doing research."

"Research on what?"

"The affects of various drugs on vampires. Anyways. It was at that moment that Alice and Jasper made eye contact. And then fell instantly and madly in love with each other. Because that's how all relationships work. In twilight, that is. It's realistic! (sparkle sparkle) And then they kinda just started following us around. Which was probably smart on their part. 'Cause otherwise they probably would have gotten themselves killed."

"Oh. Uh, great story there," Sue said.

"Yeah. Pretty messed up ****, huh."

"OMG, are you done yet?" Edward gasped from his corner. "My hand hurts like none other! Could we maybe go get some of those pain killers from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom on your second story?"

Sue gasped. "How could you possibly know I keep pain killers there? Are you… are you…"

"Stalking you? Kinda. It's really not that big of a deal. Compared to say, having recently lost a very important pinky."

Sue crossed her arms. Her first instinct was to think it romantic, because guys stalk because they care. But then she realized that was completely ****ing stupid, and Edward was a pedophile and a creeper. So she grabbed Edward and dragged him inside, grunting at her cop father as she passed. He was busy sitting on the couch, eating cheetos, and watching football. Liaf said hi to him as he followed Sue, making a quick stop in the kitchen for some popcorn.

Sue finally stopped, not in the bathroom but rather the study.

"What are we doing here?" Edward asked, his voice only trembling slightly. Sue pulled him over to the corner, where a shiny box sat. "What is that?"

Sue said nothing, instead reaching over and pressing a button. The box sprang to life, and began emitting a rather ominous whirring noise.

"Mommy," Edward said, as Sue grinned evilly.

*********

Later that night, Sue carried the collection bin of the paper shredder out to the trash can. Liaf stopped her.

"As amusing as it would be to simply leave him like that, I think I should probably take him with me and get him put back into one piece," he said.

"Suit yourself." Sue dumped the contents of the collection bin into a trash bag and handed it to Liaf. The shreds sparkled faintly in the glow from the street light.


	16. Christmas Special

_Surprise! Happy Holidays everyone, or Merry Christmas for those of you who abhor political correctness. Oh, and just a quick note—due to various circumstances, there will be no regular chapter this week. _

"Ah, I love Christmas!" Edward said, as he, Sue, and Liaf strode down the streets of Sporks. "Everything's all red!"

"**** Christmas," Liaf muttered.

"What?!" Sue said. "Why? Christmas is a great holiday. And not just for the red thing. There's presents, too!"

"Yeah, that's kinda my point. This is such a superficial holiday, for those of us who aren't devout Christians. Which I, by the way, am not. Shocker. But anyways, for the rest of us, this holiday is based on presents and a fat creepy old guy who gets small children to sit on his lap. So yeah, **** that," Liaf said.

"Sounds like someone is severely lacking in Christmas spirit!" Edward said as he swung his shopping bags back and forth. "I think we should fix that!"

"Oh? Just how the **** do you propose we do that?" Liaf asked. "There's only one thing that could put me in a good mood, and there are no strip clubs in Sporks."

"There's a logging museum!" Sue chimed in.

"Oh ho ho ho, dontchoo worry," Edward chuckled. "I have a plan that goes far beyond mere strip clubs!"

"Oh dear," Sue said.

*********

"You have a private jet?" Sue said.

"Yup!" Edward said, ascending the ramp up to the aforementioned jet that sat in the backyard of the Cullen house. "I'm filthy rich. Why wouldn't I have a private jet? Now come on!"

Sue shook her head and climbed up the ramp. Edward was already seated, and as Sue sat next to him, he pulled a bottle of blood out of the cooler next to him. "You want some—oh wait. You want some, Liaf?" He called up to the cockpit.

"Naw," Liaf's voice came back, "I'm going to have enough trouble flying this thing without trying to drink at the same time."

"Liaf's flying this thing? Does he know how?" Sue asked nervously.

"We'll find out!" Edward said cheerfully, taking a sip of his blood.

After several tries and one emergency landing on a river, Liaf finally managed to get the jet in the air. After that, things were fine as long as Sue kept her harness buckled and didn't try to stand up.

"So where are we going?" Sue asked finally.

"Good question," Liaf called back. "Where the **** are we going, pretty-boy?"

"Just fly North," Edward replied. "That'll get you there eventually."

"Whatever you say," Liaf said.

"North? Where are we going? Alaska?" Sue asked.

"Nope, somewhere even better than Alaska! Just be patient. You'll see when we get there," Edward said airily.

"It'll have to be pretty impressive to be better than Alaska," Sue said.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER…

"Pretty-boy, it doesn't get much more North than this. Just where the ****—" Liaf began to say, but was cut off by Edward.

"There it is! I see it!" Edward called excitedly

"See what? All I see is snow… oh you've gotta be ****ing kidding me," Liaf said.

"What do you mean?" Sue asked. Curious, she looked out the window. At first, all she saw was snow. But then it came into view.

At first Sue thought that they had somehow ended up over Las Vegas. But there was no way that could be. And then she saw the sign, in all its neon glory: "North Pole." Under it, in slightly smaller letters: "Santa's workshop."

"You've got to be *****ing me," Liaf said.

"'Santa's workshop?' But… I thought Santa isn't real?" Sue asked.

"Well… in a sense, that's true," Edward answered, "'Santa Claus' isn't real, but Don Santa is."

"'Don Santa?'" Sue asked dubiously.

"Yup!" Edward smiled. "He's one of my old vampire buddies. He got bored with stalking the streets at night, took the name 'Santa,' and built a massive party town on the North Pole. It's a pretty shweet gig, and a great place to go to get some Christmas spirit."

"I'm game," Liaf said, sounding much happier.

"This should be interesting," Sue said.

********

After Liaf had landed the plane (landed is used, of course, in the roughest of senses), they were greeted by one of Santa's elves.

"Holy ****, how is she not freezing in that?" Sue hissed to Edward, clutching her own Sporks rated coat tighter around her, as she looked the elf up and down. She was wearing what an imaginative person might describe as a minidress, stripped like a candy cane. That was it, except for a pair of plastic elf ears, and an equally plastic grin. There were other things about her worth describing, but Sue would leave that to Edward.

"Oh, she's a vampire," Edward whispered back. "Everyone here is, I think, except for you and the ones in the fridge." Then he called to the "elf," "Hey, Holly, nice ***s as always!"

She giggled seductively. "Oh, Ed-ed, you're such a charmer. Did you come to play?"

""I always do," Edward responded. "But that'll have to wait. Right now, I want to introduce my friends to Don Santa."

"I think I like Christmas," Liaf whispered.

"'Ed-ed?'" Sue whispered.

"Alright then," Holly said, her smile never faltering, "I'll take you to see the Don."

They wended their way through the town, trailing behind Holly. Most of the women they saw were dressed in a fashion similar to her, and most of the men were wearing grins similar to the ones on Liaf's and Edward's faces. All the names of the shops were some sort of Christmas based pun. Sue swore she saw a strip club called the "North Pole."

They finally came to a massive ice palace. The doors were opened for them by two more elf girls. Holly led them through the halls until they came to a set of gold plated doors. Holly pulled them open for them. "The Don's in here," she said, "Go on in. Oh, and Ed-ed?" She said sweetly. "Be a dear and come find me when you're done, why don't you?"

"Whatever you say, my love," he winked at her, and then strolled in, Liaf and Sue following behind after rolling their eyes.

Before they had even entered the room, though, sounds of an argument reached them.

"You *****!" A woman yelled in a shrill voice.

They rounded the corner of the short hallway, and finally beheld Don Santa.

He was seated upon an ornate throne, and was wearing the typical Santa getup. With a little more bling, of course. He looked to be about the same age as Sue, but had a large white beard glued to his chin.

More striking than Don Santa, though, were the two angry women standing in front of him. They were dressed similar to Holly, but their "minidresses," were brown, and they had reindeer antlers perched on their heads instead of elf-ears.

The black haired one glared furiously, while her red-headed counterpart smirked and spoke in a sultry voice. "You're just jealous. It's clear, after all, that _I'm _the only one who can… light up Santa's night."

"You… you…" the black-haired one screeched inarticulately. Clearly, she was the one they had heard shouting in the hallway.

"Now, now," Don Santa said lazily, waving one hand in the air. "Don't taunt Vixen, Rudolph. Play nice."

The redhead turned to Don Santa, and fluttered her eyes innocently. "Oh? I thought you were more into naughty, Santa. And I told _you _to call me Rue."

"So you did, my cute little Rue," then Don Santa looked up and noticed Sue's group standing in the entryway. "Well, well. It appears we have guests. Vixen, you can go now. Rue, why don't you come and sit on Santa's lap?"

"I can see why you two are friends," Liaf said to Edward.

"Her name is _Rue_?" Sue said. "I don't like her."

"Hohoho," Edward said.

"Edward!" Don Santa said grandly. "It's been far too long since I've seen you. What brings you to my humble little abode on top of the world?"

"Well, Don, My little friend here," Edward indicated Liaf, who bristled at being called little, "was lacking in Christmas spirit. So I figured, why not bring him here?"

"Indeed!" Don Santa exclaimed. "If it's Christmas spirit, we have plenty of that! We also have plenty of reindeer! In fact, I think Vixen over there could use some consoling!"

Liaf shrugged. "Works for me." He left through the same exit Vixen had just used.

"Well, I think I'm going to go catch up with Holly!" Edward vanished, leaving Sue alone with Don Santa and Rue.

"And just what am I supposed to do?" Sue asked, staring after him.

"Threesome?" suggested Don Santa.


	17. Met teh Parents

_Hurray! I've been waiting for this chapter for a while. I finally get more characters to play with than just Sue and Edward. Oh, and I hope no one out there is an Esme fan. _

"Do you have any idea how long it took them to put me back together? And I'll have you know, spending twelve hours in three hundred ninety four pieces is less than thrilling! And don't even get me started on the superglue!" Edward gasped.

"Why are you clinging to my windowsill?" Sue asked.

"Your front door was locked for once. You'd think your cop father would do that more often."

"It gets worse. He only locked it 'cause he's scared of me going out," Sue said, leaning out of her window to stare down at Edward, who was, indeed clinging to her windowsill with all nine fingers.

"Why?" Edward asked.

"RisingTwilight was trying to figure that out this whole chapter. It's not like I actually have friends. And I don't want to tell that cop father of mine about you for some other unexplained reason." Sue shrugged. "Now, if you excuse me…" She stepped back, and proceeded to slam the window down on Edward's fingers, shattering his right hand in the process. Obviously, superglue was not without its flaws.

Edward started screaming something. Sue opened her window to better hear his cries of pain.

After a while, the obscenities died down, and Edward said, "No but seriously, I didn't come here to stalk you. For once. I want you to come meet my family."

"Wat?" Sue said.

"Yah." Edward managed to pull himself into Sue's room, a rather impressive feet, considering he only had one hand, and that hand was short a pinkie. "This series is all about the family values. Except for, you know, the almost-steamy sex scenes. And that one childbirth scene. Who wouldn't want a kid after reading that?"

"Why the **** would I want to meet your family?" Sue asked.

"It'll give Meyer a chance to show that vampires are religious," Edward said.

"WTF?" Sue said.

"It should be good for a laugh." Edward shrugged.

"Good enough for me," Sue said. "Let's go."

"Can we go pick up the pieces of my hand first?" Edward said, holding up the maimed limb in question. "I kinda need that."

*********

After a fun filled search for Edward bits, Sue and Edward walked around the house to Liaf's carriage. He smirked down at Edward's right hand, held together by tape. "That went well, huh, pretty-boy?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, just shut up and drive," Edward grumbled as he pushed Sue into the carriage, following behind her.

"Where we going?" Liaf called back.

"Home. Specifically, my room," said Edward.

"Wut?" said Sue.

"Don't worry 'bout it. Let's go, Liaf!" Edward shouted.

"Whatever you say, lover-boy," Liaf spurred the horses into motion and they set off down the streets of Sporks, which were, of course, deserted, because where the **** would anyone go in Sporks? Except to a very tall cliff. Or a timber museum. They more or less amount to the same thing.

After a time, Liaf turned off the main road, and followed the dirt road a ways until they came to the Cullen house, which was quite literally in the middle of nowhere, and Not Suspicious At All. Trademark. Liaf parked by a small stable next to the house.

"Here we are," he said. "You two have fun in there." Sue could almost hear the smirk in his voice. Oh dear.

Sue stepped out of the carriage and stared up at the three story mansion. The thing was painted pure white. Really? Why don't they just put up a sign saying "WE R GUD VAMPIRS!!!11!1! RLY!!1!111!" Sue just hoped they didn't have any obvious religious symbols, like a giant cross or anything. That was the only thing that could possibly be more obnoxious.

Edward led her to the door, but paused on the top step. "One quick thing before we go in. You've probably figured this out by now, but my family is a tad… eccentric. Just try not to get too freaked out, alright?"

Without another word, he stepped onto the porch, and flung upon the front door, yelling, "I brought breakfast!" Sue wordlessly followed behind him, more nervous than before.

The inside was, of course, pure white as well. The color scheme was complemented by the pasty pair standing motionlessly in the middle, their eyes focused on Sue and Edward.

Edward cleared his throat and spoke into the awkward silence that had formed. "Sue, I'd like you to meet my parents: Carlisle and Esme."

"Oh, er…" Sue had seen Carlisle before, and just like every other vampire out there: perfect. What perfect means, I have no idea, but Meyer says they're perfect, so they're perfect. Perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect. Bored yet? I certainly am.

Esme was perfect too. Surprise. A slender build, with long, soft caramel hair, and a gentle smile. But…

"Esme's a _dude_?!" Sue hissed to Edward.

"Huh?" Edward's eyes widened slightly with surprise as he looked to her. "You didn't know that?"

"Of course not! I thought Esme was supposed to be the mother figure of this family?!"

"He is. Who says men can't be mothers? C'mon. twilight: breaking down stereotypes." [Cue laugh track]

"Really?" Sue said.

Edward shrugged. "Kinda. Not really. It's more like we're already as dysfunctional as you can get, so this just sorta makes sense."

"But then, Carlisle is…"

"Gay? Duh. I mean, come on. After three hundred years of being alone, he decides he wants a companion. So what does he do then? He vamp's a teenage boy! If that doesn't tell you something, you're as stupid as the sparkling."

"Ah," Sue said. Then she realized that she and Edward had been standing there whispering to themselves for about five minutes now. She was making a stellar first impression on Edward's… parents. She looked up and met their eyes. Their expressions were curious, but polite. It was only later that Sue would remember that vampires had super hearing.

"Erm… hello," Sue said. They blinked back at her. "I'm Mary Sue."

"Yes," Esme said in a surprisingly gentle voice. "We've heard a lot about you from Edward."

"Oh, is that so…" Sue scratched at her head self-consciously. She was saved from any further small talk by the arrival of Alice and Jasper, the former of which came careening down the stairs. She streaked straight towards Sue once she hit the bottom. Unfortunately, straight towards Sue also meant straight towards a white marble pillar. Alice collided with it with a rather impressive thud, spinning herself around. She shook her head slightly, then started running again, and tackled Sue.

"Su-Su! You're here!" She exclaimed. Edward pulled Alice off Sue, and then pulled Sue upright. Alice wandered off and started talking to a potted plant.

"Well, you've already met Alice, and this is Jasper," Edward said, as if nothing had happened.

Sue felt slightly like she had a concussion, but managed to focus on Jasper. Unfortunately, he did not offer her the same courtesy, blankly staring at the white wall somewhere above Sue's head. "Have we seceded yet?" he murmured dreamily.

"Um… pleased to meet you." Sue then muttered to Edward, "Are Rosalie and Emmett here too?" She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take.

"Naw, they're probably off eating a baby somewhere or something. Don't worry 'bout it." Then, louder, he said, "Let's go see the rest of the house!" He pulled her up the stairs behind him.

She stopped, however, on the first landing, for hanging there on the wall was a giant cross. "Oh come on!" She yelled.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked. At that moment, a question arose in Sue's mind.

A few minutes later, she had her answer.

Crosses really did burn vampires.


	18. The Epic Saga of Carlisle

_Oh man, this chapter was so loaded with thesaurus abuse and almost-witticisms. This whole book is, for that matter. In unrelated news, I got my left pinkie caught in a car door yesterday. I think it's karma for burning off Edward's left pinkie. _

"That really stings, you know," Edward complained, rubbing at his now bare chest. Specifically the cross mark burned into it.

"I was curious," Sue said, shrugging. They walked into Carlisle's study, which looked remarkably like a study. "And why did you take your shirt off?"

"C'mon Sue, keep up. _Fanservice_," Edward said, waving at Carlisle, then beginning to gesture vaguely at some paintings that were faintly connected to what he was talking about.

"Dude, not even the twilight moms want to see you with your shirt off. It's all about Jacob now," Sue said, staring at the paintings, trying to figure what the **** their purpose was. Sure wasn't to brighten up the room, if the Volturi's ugly mugs were plastered over them.

"Uppity little *******," Edward muttered. "Anyway, who's up for some boring life stories interspersed with more Edward angst!" he said in a sing-song voice.

"Oh joy," Sue said.

Edward pointed to a random painting, which clearly helped with his story telling. "So back in the sixteen hundreds, life was pretty crappy. And then Carlisle was born. And life was still crappy. His father was a religious maniac, obsessed with hunting vampires and other such creatures. So as you can imagine, he wasn't really too accepting of Carlisle, and his… romantic interests. And he was even less so when one of Carlisle's boyfriends turned out to be a vampire. And then that vampire and Carlisle… like in the fourth book… yeah. And Carlisle got bitten. So his dad tried to kill him. How's that for mental scarring, by the way? But anyways, Carlisle kinda killed him back.

"Carlisle was slightly freaked out by the sequence of events that had just occurred. So he ran off to the woods for a while, and hung out with his vampire boyfriend. Who promptly got staked. Witch hunts suck. Carlisle was kinda broken up about that. Plus he was having a," Edward sniggered a little, "moral crisis, so he didn't want to eat humans. He would later get over that, about the time he discovered being a doctor.

"But anyways, at the moment, he was brokenhearted and hungry as ****, so one day, when a herd of deer pranced by, he killed and ate the smallest and cutest one in a fit of ravenous hunger. Bambi, anyone? And it was then Carlisle realized he could just eat animals instead of people. Now, due to the fact that he was in such a crippled state, and his judgment was impaired, he decided to call himself a vegetarian. Not sure what Meyer's excuse was. But after this grievous insult to REAL vegetarians, Carlisle proceeded to spit in the face of everything REAL vegetarians believe in and eat more cute fluffy woodland animals.

"But there are only so many dead bunnies one can deal with before they start to get bored. So Carlisle began to study medicine. And with the joy of saving lives he discovered the joy of human blood. In search of a reliable source of said blood, he moved to London. And proceeded to unleash a reign of terror of across it.

"Just as Carlisle was starting to get bored of killing British people, he heard of a nation far more deserving of his services. So he swam to France.

"But have you ever been to France? Yeah. Luckily, Carlisle heard about this group of creepy old vampires in Italy. Plus he heard of pizza. So he went off to Rome to go hang out at the Vatican. Er, with the Volturi.

"But, though they shared select interests of his, he didn't like sharing the teenage boys, so he decided to go to America and find some of his own. The orphanage wouldn't accept vampires as staff though, and all the altar boys were otherwise occupied, so he decided to go sort through all the dying ones at the hospital. And that's where he found me. And I was… wait for it… PERFECT!

"I mean, after all, my mom had just died, so there was nobody who would notice if that creepy too-pretty doctor who worked the night shift kidnapped me. And c'mon, who wouldn't want to kidnap me. I'm freaking gorgeous. With my freaking bronze hair and gold eyes and ****."

"That's… wow…" Sue said.

"Yeah. I know. Great story, huh?" Edward said. "Needed moar Edward though." Then he snapped his fingers. "That reminds me! We got the live story part down, but we didn't have any Edward angst!"

He turned to Sue, and clapped his hands down on her shoulders. He then quickly tossed some fake tear solution into his eyes and then sobbed out, "I feel like you're going to leave me! Even though you aren't! But I feel like you are!"

Sue started crying as well. "I feel the same way!"

"What happened to your hand?" Carlisle, who had been sitting behind his desk throughout the whole story, broke in. He was staring intently at Edward's left hand.

"She burned my pinkie off!" Edward said, pointing at Sue. He still had fake tears in his eyes.

"Oh, my son!" Carlisle cried, "Do you need me to kiss it and make it all better?"

"Um…" Edward wiped the fake tears out of his eyes. "Hey Woman, let's go to my bedroom!"

"Works for me!" Sue perked up and followed Edward out of the room.

They climbed up the stairs. "So," Sue said, "what happened after you got vamp'd?"

"Well, first off, I had to explain to Carlisle that I wasn't into that sort of thing. Which was rather difficult. So I resorted to sleeping with every woman I saw to prove it. It's a habit that I've never been able to break. Don't you feel bad for me? Sympathy for my bad habit rooted in a tragic past?"

Sue ignored him. "So aside from the thinly veiled justification for your womanizing ways, what else happened?"

"Well, I hung out with Carlisle for a bit, mooching off his sweet doctor salary. But then I decided I wanted to be Batman for a bit, so I skulked around a city for a bit, coming out at night and killing evildoers, doing the whole dark, troubled hero thing. It was pretty shweet. I even had a cape! Wanna see it?"

Edward flung open the door of his room. Sue walked in and looked around curiously. The focus of the room seemed to se a rather large couch and his sound system. Sue tried not think about the implications of that.

Edward, however, was rather focused on the implications of that. Sue turned around to see him in nothing but his cape.

"What the **** are you doing?" Sue said.

"C'mon baby. Don't you want to experience the terror of the night?" He said suggestively.

"I'm not scared of you," Sue said, putting her hands on her hips.

Edward grinned. "You should be." He then tackled Sue onto the couch, ****ing a few laws of physics in the process.

It was while they were in that pose that a knock came on Edward's door. "Come in!" Edward called, showing no regard for their situation.

Luckily it was just Alice and Jasper. Neither of them were able to focus on Sue and Edward. Alice danced in and began spinning in circles in the middle of the room. Jasper stared blankly at the ceiling.

"Vampire baseball," Jasper said.

"I don't like where this is going," Sue said.


	19. There was a plot here!

_Caps lock abuse, how we love thee. At least, I hope you do! I kinda wish I had something more profound to write in these author's notes, but I don't think profound would really go with the story, anyway. Oh, and I seriously don't mean to offend anyone with the cripple comment, by the way. That was just kinda one of those "I can't resist" moments. _

"So uh… why are we going back to my house?" Sue asked, as Liaf's carriage sedately rolled down the highway.

Edward did not take his gaze away from the window and the lovely view of Spork's monotonous green woods, opting merely to mumble angrily under his breath.

Liaf laughed from the driver's seat. "Don't mind him," Liaf called back mockingly. "We're going back to your house for a Jacob cameo, and Edward's pouting because of that. Apparently pretty-boy can't handle a little competition."

Edward turned to Sue, ad shook her violently. "WHY! WHY DO THE FANGIRLS LIKE HIM MORE THAN ME? I'M EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN. I'M PERFECT. **PERFECT**. WHAT CAN BE BETTER THAN PERFECT!?!?!?!?!!!!"

"See what I mean?" Liaf said, as the turned onto Sue's street. Waiting there for them was Jacob and his smexy shirtless chest. And his father, of which the only thing I could say about him would involve me making fun of him for being in a wheelchair. Which I'm not going to do, because I'd like to think I'm not completely soulless.

Of course, didn't it say somewhere in twilight that the characters didn't have souls? I think it did. Or something to that effect, at least.

"What the **** is the cripple doing here?!" Sue exclaimed.

"I believe he's come to blab to that Sporks police department chief father of yours that… well, actually, I'm not sure what he's come to blab. It's not like he's going to tell your father that Edward's a vampire. So yeah, this is pretty much just a few more pages of pointless near conflict. I think he brought fish, though," Liaf said.

"Shweet," Sue said, climbing out of the carriage.

Edward stopped pouting long enough to call after her, "Don't forget to tell your completely useless cop father that we're going out!"

"Why?" Sue asked.

"It's the ethical thing to do!" Edward yelled as Liaf drove away.

"Ethical?" Sue shook her head. "This book is so messed up."

She walked over to where Jacob and his father were just standing in the pouring rain, evidently waiting for someone to show up.

"So," she said.

"DANGEROUS! HE'S DANGEROUS!!!!!!!" shouted Billy Black.

"'Sup, Sue," said Jacob, as the rain ran down his glistening abs.

"Aren't you cold?" Sue asked, staring at that chest.

Jacob shrugged. "Sacrifices must be made. Now, I think my dad had something to say to you."

"FIENDS! DEVILS! WE MUST NOT TOLERATE THEIR CONTINUED PRESENCE ON THIS WORLD! THEY MUST BE !"

"Erm…. right. Thanks!" Sue said, plucking the bag of fish out of Billy's hands, darting inside, and locking the door securely.

"Fish?" Edward said, reaching into the bag, pulling out a piece of fish, sticking it in his mouth, and promptly choking on it.

"Why are you still here?" Sue asked as she walked into the kitchen to put the fish away.

Edward shrugged. "I got bored."

"Oh," Sue said. "Won't this cause problems when my cop father shows up?"

"Yup!" screamed Charlie, who had just gotten back from a long day of fishing. He pulled his gun from his holster, and shot Edward a couple of times.

"Pleased to meet you," Edward said, extending his hand. "I'm the guy who's going to bang your daughter."

After a while, Charlie ran out of bullets, and grudgingly went to shake Edward's hand. "It appears I have done my duty as father," he said gruffly. "You may proceed with the banging of my daughter."

"Works for me!" Edward said, pulling Sue out the door. "Vampire baseball comes first, though."

"Of course," said Charlie.

*********

"Alright, this is as far as the coach can get," Liaf said.

"Okay," Edward said, hopping out of the carriage. "Climb on my back, Sue."

Sue climbed out as well, and crossed her arms. "No way am I doing that. You hit like twenty trees last time."

"Hmm…" Edward said, pursing his lips. Then, abruptly, he pinned Sue against the side of the carriage. "It appears I'll have to tamper with your memory," he breathed into her ear.

Sue gave a small squeak.

Edward then clunked her squarely on the head. She slumped down to the ground. Edward picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder.

"I think you're doing it wrong," Liaf said.

"Meh," Edward replied, and then set off into the woods.

The run probably didn't help Sue out any, but Edward thought the trees were probably worse off. Esme ran over and helped Edward wake her up.

"Alright!" said Edward. "Who's ready for some vampire baseball!"

"Oh dear god, do we really have to do this?" Sue asked.

"Yup," Edward said. "I'm up to bat first!"

All in all, it was a rather interesting affair, considering the players.

Esme stood off to the side, smiling sweetly. Carlisle also smiled in a good-natured way throughout the whole thing, except for occasionally when he would start cursing.

Edward was always more than happy to curse back at him. As was Liaf. For that matter, so was everyone else. There was kinda more cursing than ball playing. The exceptions to this were, of course, Alice and Jasper. Jasper just kinda stood there and stared off into the distance while balls bounced off his face. Alice, who was pitching, managed throw the balls in the right direction most of the time.

Sue sat on a rock off to the side, observing the proceedings. She was rubbing at her head when Alice suddenly gave out a loud gasp and threw the ball at Edward, who was batting, so hard that the wooden bat he was holding shattered into several rather pointy shards, which flew every which way.

"What is it?" Carlisle asked, his voice slightly concerned.

"I'm getting bad vibes," Alice said dreamily. "There's another group of vampires coming. They want to play."

"HOLY **** MY EYE," shouted Edward.

"What are we going to do?" asked Esme.

"They'll eat her," Jasper said with a little giggle as he looked up at the stars.

"THERE IS A PIECE OF WOOD STUCK IN MY EYE."

"I'd kind of prefer not to be eaten," Sue contributed.

"If they just want to play a game, then maybe we should just keep playing," Carlisle suggested.

"Yes, that probably would be best," Esme agreed.

"WOOD. EYE. OUCH."

"Alright, everyone, let's continue," Carlisle called, and the Cullens resumed their game.

James abruptly stepped out of the woods and bit Sue. "Hai guys, the plot's here!" he said excitedly.

"****," said Sue.

"DOESN"T ANYONE CARE ABOUT MY EYE?"


	20. Strategery

_So just when my pinkie had about recovered from the car door incident, I crushed it between two textbooks and just about broke it. It was simply thrilling. _

_Also, I want tea now._

James looked up from Sue. "What's up with that guy?"

"Huh, him?" Carlisle jerked his thumb towards where Edward was writhing on the ground. "Don't worry 'bout it. **** like this happens to him all the time."

"Oh, really?" James asked conversationally.

"**** YOU ALL!"

"So then, what about her?" James gestured at Sue, who was busy bleeding from a bite wound at his feet.

"Oh, she's… you know, I don't actually know what she is." Carlisle shrugged. "She and Edward have been on speaking terms for all of like a week. But supposedly they're soul mates."

"Oh." James looked down at her. "My bad."

"Yeah, we should probably go take care of her, since she can actually die. Esme, can you get that?" Esme nodded and walked over to Sue. "Liaf, take care of Edward."

"My pleasure," Liaf grunted, and stepped over to Edward. Shortly after, a harsh tearing sound was heard, as well as impressively high pitched screaming.

"Alright, Alice can drive—er, scratch that, Emmett, why don't you take our wounded back in the coach. Alice can… help. Esme, Jasper, Liaf and I, along with our guests, will take the Jeep back to the manor for tea. Rosalie, why don't you go eat a baby or something."

"Works for me," Rosalie said.

"Tea?" Liaf said dubiously.

"I'm British, you know," Carlisle said seriously. [And yes, I do watch the Yugioh Abridged Series, and if you haven't watched it, you should.] "Also, being polite never hurt anyone."

Liaf rolled his eyes. "I'm may be missing the point here, but if these guys are so ****ing dangerous, then why not kill them now? I mean, seriously. They're right here. There's three of them, and eight of us. And sure, we're about the eight most incompetent people you could possibly find, but they don't look much better."

"What are you talking about?" asked James, a "villain" who makes Esme look like a paragon of character development, as he looked back at the two flanking him—the _slightly_ obsessive cat woman wannabe Victoria, who, in case you didn't catch it the first time, has red hair, and Laurent, who is the token black guy for the series, despite the fact that he's a ****ing vampire. "What's wrong with us?"

"Liaf," Carlisle rebuked, "what did I just say about politeness? Gaping logic holes first, avoiding any semblance of fight scene later." [I feel it necessary to point out that the bloodiest, most violent scene in this series is the childbirth scene in the fourth book. Make of that what you will.]

"Right." Liaf said.

Carlisle's group set off into the woods. Emmett than began to lead their little party off in the other direction. He took point. Liaf followed closely behind him. Sue, her neck swathed in several layers of bandages, followed by Edward, who had added an eye patch to his managed hand and other various scars. Alice was last. She whistled a rather chipper song as they marched through the trees.

Sue was rather glad they weren't running, all things considered.

"So," Sue asked, once they had settled into the carriage and Liaf had set the horses strolling off towards the highway, "who wants to explain to me what's going on?"

"That James guy wants to kill you," said Emmett.

"Oh," Sue said, "why?"

"'Cause," Edward said, "It bestows some semblance of conflict to this book. And it gives me a chance to say the damsel in distress."

"Just what this book needs. More sexism," Sue said.

"What's 'sexism?'" asked Alice.

"Alright, so what's our plan?" said Emmett.

"What's 'a plan?'" asked Edward.

"I said we should just kill the *******s, but nooooo, no one ever listens to Liaf," Liaf called back.

"How 'bout we set a trap," Alice stopped whistling to say. "If he's after Sue, then we should just use her as bait. We've got the numerical advantage and home field advantage."

"Shut up, Alice," Edward said.

He turned back to the others. "Alright, while our enemies are busy drinking tea and dropping their guard, I think we should divide our forces, and send Sue with our two most competent forces—Jasper and Alice—to a city where they'll be completely powerless to do anything except let Sue go off and essentially kill herself. And we'll tell him exactly where she's going! He'll never think she'll actually go there! Brilliant!"

"Wut?" said Liaf.

"Brilliant!" Sue agreed, snapping her fingers. "Alright, so here's how we'll do it. I'll go and yell some very hurtful and insensitive things at my father. And then we can get back to saving me from James. We'll have all our best fighters and Edward stay here, and then Alice, Jasper, and I can go to Phoenix! Which is ridiculously hot and sunny! And I'll tell this to that guy who I sometimes refer to as my father that's where I'm going while James is listening! It'll be so clevar.

"If you die, I'm writing funny things on your tombstone," Liaf said. "By the way, don't you have school tomorrow?"

"Yes," said Sue, blinking.

"What's your point?" asked Edward.

**MEANWHILE AT CHEZ CULLEN…**

"So, what kind of tea is this?" James said, taking a sip from his floral patterned teacup.

"Oh, it's a favorite of mine, Earl Grey," Carlisle said, sipping from his own cup.

"Ah, it's quite good," said James.

"Indeed," said Carlisle.

"These are the villains?" Rosalie hissed to Esme and Jasper as they hid around the corner and watched Carlisle entertain their guests.

"Oh, don't call them villains, dear. It's not nice," Esme said in his gentle voice.

Jasper stared at the ceiling.

"So, what brings you to these parts?" Carlisle asked conversationally.

James shrugged slightly. Beside him, Victoria made cat-like motions and fluffed her red hair while stood in the background like any good token black guy. "Just passing through the area, catching a quick bite to eat, the usual. And places around here that you'd recommend?"

"Well, there is an orphanage—" Carlisle was cut of by Esme shooting him a death glare. "Er, actually, we're trying out this new vegetarian diet thing, trying to blend in with the locals, all that ****, you know?"

James's eyes widened. "Vegetarians? How do you manage that?" he asked.

"We don't, actually. I mean, those orphans are just so—" Esme glared again, and Carlisle shut up.

"Right, well," James set down his cup, and stood up. "We have a Mary Sue to murder, so yeah. Maybe we can have tea again sometime?"

"Yes, that sounds lovely," Carlisle said, leading them to the door. "Stay safe!" he called after them.

Carlisle then turned around, only to find himself looking at three very angry vampires—two angry vampires and Jasper. He scratched at his head self-consciously. "What?" he asked. "I didn't do anything! I thought I was quite civil."

They continued to stare.

Carlisle's eyes flashed with sudden realization. "Oh! That's the problem, isn't it? I was supposed to be stalling them!"

Rosalie covered her face with her palm. "Right. I'm going to go murder a baby now."


	21. Walking is for Squares

_I'm kinda surprised I managed to work cross-dressing into this. Sometimes I amaze myself. _

"Okay, here we are. Now go and make your daddy cry!" Edward said as he pushed Sue out of the carriage and into the night. She stumbled slightly, but Edward quickly caught her and swept her up in his arms. He then charged towards the house and flung the door open. Edward set her down where Charlie could see her and then quickly dived out of sight, and headed to her room. In the living room, a rather surprised Charlie looked away from the T.V. and blinked at her a few times.

"I hate Edward Cullen! And this stupid town! And stupid you! And stupid everything!" Sue yelled, bursting into tears. Then she ran towards the stairs. Charlie was unable to form a response around his mouthful of fried chicken in time.

Edward was busy going through her underwear drawer when she arrived. He quickly tossed the most interesting affairs in her duffel bag, and then moved on to less scandalous things. He was almost fast enough that she didn't notice his first preoccupation. Almost. She vowed to get revenge on him later, when there was less imminent death to deal with.

As she flung garments into the bag, she heard Charlie lumbering up the stairs. He tentatively knocked on the door.

"Um… sweetie… is something wrong?" He asked.

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU," she replied. Edward gave her a thumbs up.

"Er… that didn't really answer my question," Charlie said, "Did Edward Cullen do something to you? 'Cause, you know, I am the chief of police of Sporks. I could, like, shoot him or something if he had."

"Why does everybody hate me?" Edward mumbled.

"It's 'cause your hair looks stupid. And 'cause you're not Jacob. And also because you glorify being a creepy abusive stalker. Take your pick," Sue reassured him. Then she yelled to her door, "Shooting Edward Cullen wouldn't help anything! Bullets don't hurt him! And anyways, even if Edward Cullen was dead, I'd still hate Sporks! It's always raining, infested with magical creatures, and named after an eating utensil! The only interesting thing to do here is visit the lumber museum, have sex, and ditch school, therefore never learning that an extra chromosome codes for Down Syndrome, rather than werewolves! I can't stand it any longer! I'm going HOME!"

"Er, why?" Charlie asked, still bewildered, and wondering if Sue was having one of… those… days. "Phoenix isn't really any better than here. From what I understand, you didn't have any friends there either. Probably something to do with the fact that you're an annoying, self-centered ***** with no personality whatsoever. Just like your mother. Which is why I divorced her."

Sue stopped her attempts at packing—leaving Edward to finish up, not the brightest idea ever—and stared open mouthed at the door. Not only was that the most she had ever heard her cop father say at one time, but— "YOU left MOM?"

"Kinda. She was sort of needy and obsessive. As I said, you remind me of her. Oh, did she tell you she left me? *****. She would."

Sue was speechless. Edward, fortunately, had finished packing her stuff. He shoved the bag into her arms, swept her up in his, and then kicked her door open, sending the Police Chief of Sporks flying.

"Yeah, well, you're… you're… BORING!" Sue shouted dramatically as she was carried off.

He ran down the stairs and through the front door—literally—and jumped into Sue's, tossing her into the passenger seat. He pulled out of her driveway and sped off. Or at least, that was what Sue expected him to do. Instead, he went like five miles an hour. Sue stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out the reason for his strange behavior. Then all of the suddenly it clicked.

"You don't know how to drive, do you?" She asked.

"No, I totally do. I was driving that one time when you nearly got raped, remember?" He said glibly.

"Dude, all you did was pull an epic fishtail maneuver and then nearly hit me. And after that, I thought you were driving so badly because of all the blood on the windshield. But you actually can't drive, can you? I bet you didn't even mean to do that fishtail maneuver."

Edward looked away and swerved to avoid hitting—or hit, Sue wasn't quite sure which—a pedestrian, which was really all the proof that Sue needed. Well, if nothing else, their speed made it possible for the carriage, merrily trotting along behind them, to keep up.

However, after noticing this, Sue noticed something else. The pedestrian was standing up, after having dived to avoid getting hit. As he rubbed his head, Sue saw that he was not just any old Sporksian out for a late night stroll.

"Ummm… that was James. I think he's a little angry now," Sue said.

"Well, ****," said Edward. "I think we need some speed."

Sue would never be quite sure how they managed to survive the rest of the ride to Chez Cullen. She tried to avoid thinking about it, in order to avoid losing what ever happened to fill her stomach at the time. But they eventually pulled up in front of the Cullen manor, and Edward picked Sue up and carried her into the house.

She wasn't quite sure of her ability to stand at that particular moment, but she was getting a little tired of not being allowed to walk.

The rest of the Cullens were sitting on the couches, drinking tea. Carlisle looked up from his delicate cup as they entered.

"Oh, it's you two! Sit down and have a drink, why don't you?" he said.

"Um, shouldn't we do something about James before we have a tea party?" Emmett, who had just arrived along with the rest of the carriage-goers, asked.

Carlisle arched an eyebrow. "Nothing comes before tea."

Edward shrugged, and they all sat down and had a nice cup of tea. Once they had finished, they cleared the table and planned out their strategy. "Alright, So Alice and Jasper will take Sue in the carriage, Rosalie and Esme will lead James off Sue's scent, and the rest of us will go hunting. Sound good?"

Everyone nodded, and the Edward turned to Rosalie. "Alright, you go switch clothes with Sue."

"Like ****," she replied.

"Alright then…" Edward glanced around the room. He was, however, met only by smirks. With dawning horror, he realized that he was the next closest person to Sue's size.

A few minutes later, he stepped down the stairs, Sue in his arms, in a dark blue blouse and a khaki skirt. Emmett wolf-whistled.

"Alright then," Carlisle clapped his hands, "now that that's taken care of, let's split up. Oh, Edward will have to go with Esme, to serve as a distraction. Rosalie will come with Emmett and me."

"Shweet," said Rosalie. "Hunting time."

"FML," said Edward.

"Okay, let's do this people!" Carlisle called, and there was a flurry of motion as everyone went their separate ways. When all was said and done, Sue was resting in Alice's arms. Jasper was staring at the carpet a few feet away.

"So, what now?" Sue asked.

"Good question," said James.


	22. Just because you're paranoid

_Well, this is a fairly important chapter, for various reasons. Not, of course, plotwise, because there _is no plot_. However, this does happen to be the official twentieth chapter. This means that I not only get to give myself a little pat on the back for making it this far, but also that there are only five more chapters (counting the epilogue) to go until I finish twilight. Hurray! I do intend to continue onto new moon, which is also too cool for capitals. I'm not sure if I want to make it a new story, or just keep adding onto this one. There's a poll to that extent on my profile, if anyone actually has an opinion. And now, without future ado, I give you my twentieth chapter. _

"Why the **** are you carrying her?" James asked.

"Why the **** are you in my living room?" Liaf asked, if a bit presumptuously.

"Let's look at this logically, shall we?" James said, sitting down on the Cullen's couch, and crossing his legs. "I'm a supertracker. Apparently. I have superhearing. I did, in fact, overhear, your little episode back at your house. Daddy issues much?" he addressed to Sue. "But anyways, given all this information, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume I heard everything from that little planning session your coven just had, and would therefore come here and just kill you straight off, rather than going and chasing that guy in a skirt?"

"Um…" Sue said.

"What's logic?" Alice asked innocently.

"I agree with her," Liaf said, "and that's not good. Oh well, do what ya gotta, right?" Before James had a chance to inquire what he meant by that, Liaf whipped out something that looked suspiciously like a gun. Sue was rather surprised, a feeling that only intensified when she realized, that it was not just a gun, but a _water_ gun.

"Wha—" Sue began, but Liaf quickly aimed the weapon and pulled the trigger once. The small bullet of water shot straight to James's eye, and he promptly fell to the floor, screaming. Sue shot Liaf a questioning look.

He shrugged. "Holy water. Now go go go! He won't stay down for long!"

Sue poked Alice a couple of time, and eventually the other focused—in a relative sense, of course—and ran out the door to the carriage, Jasper dreamily following behind.

When Sue next woke up, she was in a hotel room. She blearily blinked around the room for a moment, disoriented. She felt different than usual. It took her a moment to realize that she actually felt well rested. That was strange, she hadn't felt this way since… before Edward began stalking her. Hmmm.

They had arrived at the hotel, in good ol' Phoenix, sometime last night. They had ridden in the carriage for about two hours and had nearly made it out of Sporks when Liaf had decided that they would be better of taking a flight here. They did so, and on arrival booked a cab to take them to the hotel. Liaf was strongly opposed to renting a car; Sue wasn't quite sure why.

Collecting her wits about her, a quick process, Sue stood and left the bland hotel bedroom for the bland hotel sitting room. The atmosphere of the latter, though, was slightly spiced up by the argument currently taking place in it. Liaf and Alice were shouting at each other from across the room. Jasper was sitting in the corner, staring at the wall.

"I'm telling you, dude, I saw the tracker! And he was in a room! A ballet studio! Which is an _epic_ location for a final battle!" Alice yelled.

"And I'm telling you that your drug induced hallucinations aren't worth a ****! Besides, most of the time, you only see things that are either too vague to matter or too late to matter! So why the **** should I listen to you!?" Liaf shouted back.

"C'mon, man, why ya gotta be so negative?"

"Umm, what's going on?" Sue asked.

Alice rushed over to Sue, and took her hands. "I had this vision, and the tracker, he was in a ballet studio! A ballet studio, can you believe it?"

"OMG a ballet studio?" Sue said. "Wait, a ballet studio? If he was a ballet studio, than doesn't that mean he escaped from Edward?"

"I guess so," Alice said, "but more importantly—"

"B-but, if he escaped from Edward, then, Edward could have been hurt, and, and, what if Edward's hurt? Oh god, Edward's hurt, isn't he?" Sue blubbered, in the throes of panic.

"Um. I think you're missing the point—" Alice tried to stop the dam that was about to break in Sue. She was unfortunately unsuccessful.

"EDWAAARD!" Sue sobbed.

Alice tried to get her to stop. Liaf gave a short laugh, then pulled out a magazine and began to read it. Jasper stared at the wall.

Alice's cell phone rang. Everyone stared at it. Except Jasper. Who stared at the wall.

"Er… I'll get that, shall I?" Alice said, and proceeded to do.

After a few momentous of conversation, Alice nodded, said "I'm reading you, man," and handed the phone to Sue.

"Heroin?" Edward's voice asked.

"OH MY GOD EDWARD I WAS SO WORRIED," Sue cried into the phone.

"Um… why? No, never mind, don't answer that. Anyways, James kinda escaped, so he'll probably be heading there to kill you. I'll get there eventually, so try not to die before then. Bye!" A dial tone filled Sue's ear.

She handed, the phone back to Alice, softly whimpering the whole time. "I'm so worried!" she said, just a tad irrationally. "I'm sure he's doing something dangerous right now!"

**THE STUMP, A BAR OUTSIDE THE SPORKS TIMBER MUSEUM**

James looked over as Edward closed the phone. "Your girlfriend bought it?"

"Yup," Edward said triumphantly. "Alright, so you said you had a way for us to get wasted?"

"Yup," James smirked, "We just have to be patient for a little longer. I'll let you know when it's ready. In the meantime, just sit back and enjoy the view." he gestured towards a blond across the bar in a rather low cut top. "Chicks dig guys with eye patches." Something both now possessed.

After a while and several rather crude jokes, loud laughter burst out, from a red-faced girl at the bar.

James focused on her, and then motioned for Edward to watch as he made his way over to her. He said a few words to her, and then the two of them left the bar together.

Moments later, James returned, wiping at the corner of his mouth, the only visible difference a barely noticeable crimson stain on the corner of his suit and a stagger to his walk.

"Easy as that," he said, in a slurred voice, to Edward. "Just wait for one to get shmashed, take a little ship, and bam!"

Edward's eyes lit up, and quickly found a target of his own. Within a few minutes, the two were red-faced themselves, laughing hysterically.

Edward got up to find another victim, and sauntered over to a girl sitting a table. "Hey baby," he slurred, "you're like my heroin. How'd you like to come and by my sheeing eye dog?"

The girl blinked at him a couple of times. Someone tapped Edward on the back. He found himself facing someone who was, in all likelihood, a lumber jack.

"That's my woman," growled the lumberjack.

"I don't shee your name on her," Edward said, turning to the man and only swaying slightly.

"You really wanna play this game, sonny boy?" the lumberjack said threateningly.

"Yah."

"You realize you're wearing a skirt."

"Yah."

"Then let's take this outside."

Shortly, the two stood facing each other in an alleyway outside The Stump. James watched from the shadows as the brawl began.

If there is one thing that can be said about the fight, it is that it was quick. Edward was flat on the ground before he even knew where he was. It must have had something to do with the combination of excessive drinking and a ****ing lumberjack, who promptly spat on Edward and went back inside.

James too made to walk out of the alley, stepping over Edward, dropping his drunk act as he did so.

"Fufufufu," he chuckled darkly, then addressed his next remark to the unconscious Edward. "Now that you are out of the way, I can proceed with my plan. Phoenix, here I come!"


	23. Check

_Four more chapters to go1 And once again, there's a poll on my profile page, so if you have the time, check that out. _

When Sue next awoke, nothing had changed. The hotel room was still boring. She was still irrationally panicked. Same ol', same ol'.

She walked out into the next room, intending to ***** a bit and then see if there was any food for her, but stopped when she saw Alice intently sketching away. Jasper was staring at the pen as it moved back and forth. Liaf was watching a movie on the television.

Sue walked over to see several doodles, mostly stick-figure-esque drawings of ponies, though one was of Sue and Edward in a tree, with the letters K-I-S-N-G written next to it. Sue turned to stare at Alice.

Alice smiled brightly. "I like ponies. If you're hungry, there's food over there." She gestured vaguely at a silver tray sitting on the table. Sue walked over to it and began to eat.

"Oh, by the way," Alice called after Sue was several bites in, "I had another vision while you were asleep. There's a picture next to the food if you wanna see."

Sue glanced over at the piece of hotel stationary lying innocently next to her food, and nearly sprayed chicken fingers all over Jasper, who had wandered over.

The drawing was oddly detailed, a marked contrast to Alice's pony pictures. Sue didn't take the time to ponder that, however, for her attention was focused on the place it depicted.

"This is my mom's house!" She burst out.

Liaf looked away from the movie. "Man, this guy is almost as much of a stalker as Edward."

Alice picked up the phone and rapidly punched in a number. She held the phone to her ear, but eventually shook her head. "Edward's not answering," she said "I'll try Carlisle."

She appeared to have a bit more success this time. She had a brief conversation with him, and then hung up and looked to Sue.

"Well, everyone had been separated, and Carlisle had though Edward was after James. However, he found him passed out outside a bar just now. James must have cornered and defeated him, and then made a break to kill you. So it would probably be best if we get you out of here and hide somewhere a little less obvious and potential-hostage ridden. Edward and Carlisle'll come get you as soon as Edward wakes up. Dude."

Sue took a moment to absorb this and then find something to panic about. She succeeded. "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOM. WHAT IF HE KILLS MY MOM?"

"Chill out, man," Alice said soothingly. "Jasper and I'll stay here and protect her." Which, incidentally, was about the least comforting thing she could have said. So obviously, Sue panicked more.

"B-B-BUT, WHAT IF YOU TWO GET HURT. YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT'S LIKELY! WAAAAHHHH!" she shouted as she ran back to the bedroom.

She curled up in a corner and cried for a bit. Eventually, it dawned on her that no one was going to come check on her. Once she heard the phone ring in the other room, she decided to go see what was going on.

Jasper was gone, Liaf was now watching sports, and Alice was talking on the phone. Sue waited for her to finish.

"Alright, Carlisle and Edward are on their way here," Alice said. She began to say something else, but the phone rang again, and cut her off. Both girls looked at it.

"I bet that's my mom," Sue said, and picked it up.

"Hey," said an unfamiliar voice. "Are you the human girl?"

"Yes," Sue said, "May I ask who's calling?"

"This is James, the tracker. Now listen, don't say anything. I don't want those vamps to catch on—"

"He does realize we can hear everything he's saying, right?" Liaf asked.

"****!" James swore, then hung up. A few seconds later, the phone gave a quick beep, and Sue flipped it open to see that she had received a text message. It read:

_ hey this iz ed i just wantd to c if sue waz OK _

Sue blinked at the phone screen for several seconds. Liaf looked over and read it too. and then made a disgusted face. "Let me see that," he said.

He typed, _Nice try, but Edward doesn't even know how to text. And what's with the chatspeak? You sound like the _twilight _fanbase._

_ **** you all, _was James's eloquent reply.

"Well, it's probably what Edward would sound like, I'll give him that," Liaf shrugged.

Just then, there was a loud clatter, and everyone turned to the window. Framed in it was James.

"You guys are buzz kills, you know. I'm a tracking _genius_, you realize that. And you don't appreciate me at all," he said.

Liaf covered his face with his palm. "For the love of god, what do you want?"

James pointed at Sue. "You. I have your mom."

"Well, ****," Sue said.

"If you don't want me to kill her and make youtube videos with her corpse, then ditch these goody-goodies and go to your house. I left further instructions there."

"I resent that," Liaf said.

"By the way," James continued, "Your boyfriend is such a creeper. You might want to consider dumping him, before he… I don't know, abandons you for six months to go chase random girls. Or rapes you. Anyways, smell you later, losers!" And then James was gone.

"Well," Liaf said after a moment. "That was interesting."

"OMG HE HAS MY MOM!" Sue screamed.

"Oh joy." Liaf pinched the bridge of his nose. "First off, how cliché can you get? Second, like he'd really kill your mom. This is ****ing _twilight _we're talking about here. Third off, do you seriously think that going off and walking right into his trap would be the best idea? I would like to point out, once again, that we have him _outnumbered_. We can just all go together and kill him. He won't ever get a chance to touch your mom, if he actually kidnapped her at all. So there's no need for you to go skipping off to your death… oh, **** it all, she's already gone, isn't she?"

"Yup," Alice, sitting on the arm of the couch and swinging her legs back and forth, said cheerfully. Wind whistled out the open window.

"She left a letter," Jasper said, speaking for the first time in at least a lot of chapters, and making both Alice and Liaf jump.

After they had recovered from the shock, Liaf said, "Let me see."

He read through it two times, and then just stared at it. Alice plucked it out of his hands and began to read aloud.

"HE HAS MY MOM EDWARD I'M SO SORRY THERE'S NO OTHER CHOICE. EXCEPT ACTUALLY TELL SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THE **** THEY'RE DOING. OR MAYBE DO SOMETHING THAT WON'T INVARIABLY LEAD TO MY DEATH. BUT THRE'S NO CHOICE! BESIDES, IF I DIE NOW, THEN I'LL SPARE THE READERS FOUR MORE BOOKS OF TORTURE.

ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO GO DIE NOW. DON'T FOLLOW ME. DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAVE ME. THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS. HE WANTS YOU TO USE THE ADVANTAGE OF OUTNUMBERING HIM, BEING STRONGER THAN HIM, AND HAVING SPECIAL POWERS THAT HE DOESN'T. IF YOU TRIED TO SAVE ME, YOU MIGHT GET, LIKE, A PAPER CUT OR SOMETHING. ACTUALLY, YOU COULD GET A PAPER CUT FROM READING THIS! STOP READING THIS! AHFGDKJEDO…"

Alice took a breath. "Wow, reading in capslock is hard."

**A FEW MINUTES EARLIER, AT AN ALLEY OUTSIDE THE STUMP**

Edward slowly sat up. "Man, I haven't felt like this since the last New Year's eve I was human."

"Were you wearing women's clothes then too?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes, actually," Edward rubbed at his head and winced. "Don't ask, I won't explain."

"Right, well, anyway, if you don't want that little girl-toy of yours to die, we should probably get going now," Carlisle said.

"What?" Edward said, confused. "Why would she die? James is…" he looked around. "Not here? He tricked me?! That *******! He'll pay for this! Let's go slay the dragon and save the damsel in distress!"

He ran off, Carlisle following in the wake of his clicking high-heels.

"I just hope Sue doesn't do something stupid! I swear, that girl is her own worst enemy."


	24. Insert Evil Laughter Here

_And here's the big dramatic part of the story. Which doesn't mean too much. The last bit of this might be a bit confusing, keep in mind the dialogue just alternates between the crowd and James. _

Sue walked through the baking Arizona sun to her house. Once there, she opened the door and walked into the kitchen. There, on the fridge, as a hot pink post-it note. It read:

_Go to the Ballet Studio KThxBye 3 James. _

Sue stared at it for a long moment, gathering her courage and resolve. Then she took a deep breath, and walked out into the sun to face her doom.

What she _didn't _do was take a moment to look around, and notice the fine layer of dust over everything. Or the fact that many of her mother's possessions, along with her suitcase, were missing. She didn't even walk into the living room to see the home movies strewn everywhere.

She was in far too much of a hurry to get herself killed to notice any of these things. So it was that Sue strode out into the brilliant day once more and ran towards the ballet studio.

She tripped a few times along the way, which kinda killed the whole drama of the thing. If there ever was any.

Once she arrived, she was surprised to see a crowd milling around outside. She was still intent upon dying though, so she didn't take much notice of them, merely pushing her way through the throngs, scattered snippets of their conversations reaching her.

"Yes, this man just came by, and broke in—"

"—It sounds weird, but I swear he was sparkling—"

"—I hope it wasn't a _twilight _fanboi, there are already enough of them at this studio—"

And then Sue was at the entrance to the studio, and a hand reached out and yanked her in.

James locked the door behind her. "This was not the most well thought out plan ever. But I'm a villain. A _**twilight**_ villain. So I suppose that's to be expected."

"Err…" Sue said.

"Oh!" James snapped his fingers. "Would you just stay here a second? I meant to have this all ready, but I kinda got distracted, what with the sparkling…" He held up a finger. "Stay right here, please."

Then he ran into one of the studios, leaving her standing in the hallway.

After a long moment, she got tired of waiting and went to see what the source of all the cursing was.

She found James near the equipment in the corner, partially buried in all the shiny black film that had apparently come out of the home video he had been attempting to play.

Struggling against the film that was only tangling him more as a result of his efforts, he turned to Sue and said, "God****it, couldn't you have put your home movies on blue ray or something? I had this all planned out, you know! It would have been _awesome. _But no, you had to have all your old-fangled technology…"

"Um…" Sue said. "That's a microwave."

James looked at the black box occupying the corner, and then back at Su

"Once I get free of this, you are so dead." He renewed his struggle against the film, which was proving to be more of an antagonist than he ever was.

"And besides, you're a vampire," Sue pointed out. "Shouldn't you know how to work a VCR? Or for that matter, what a television is?"

"Shouldn't you be dead?!" James said dramatically, breaking free of the film finally, and pressing a button on the remote he held. Suddenly, Sue was dangling upside-down in the air, a circular section of the floor opening below her to reveal a tank of water full of sharks.

Sue blinked a few times, as she slowly revolved in mid-air.

"How the **** did you get a shark tank here?" She finally said.

James shrugged, and the last bits of the film fell at his feet. "It was actually here already. I was just going to break a few mirrors and call it good, but then I found the shark tank, and I was like, if I'm going to give a big huge villain speech detailing my evil plan, saying how awesome I am, and giving the hero time to show up, might as well do it right. Also, you might want to try to find a ballet teacher with less... interesting… hobbies next time."

"You figured out how to work the shark tank, but you didn't realize you were trying to stick a VHS in a microwave?"

"Some of us are just special, alright?" James said, crossing his arms. "Anyways, I think I have an evil master plan to detail to you now."

The sounds of the crowd outside still reached Sue. Faintly, she heard, "hey, look, those guys are sparkling too!"

James took a deep breath. "Well, I suppose to understand me completely, I should give you some background. It all began when Meyer had this dream…

"Well, they're an odd bunch, huh?" came from outside.

"And unlike most people, would just be like, why the **** am I dreaming about angst teenage vampires, no more coke before bed, Meyer decided to turn her dream into a five hundred page novel. And then, after she had written eighteen chapters of pointless fluff involving lots of breathing and lots of _no, I love you more'_s, she realized she need a plot. And the best way for her to get one was to create a villain."

"Is that one guy taking his shirt off?"

"She realized she needed a terrible, soulless antagonist to really push her story to its full potential. So she gave me the worst possible trait she could think of. She made me ugly."

"Oh dear sweet god, he is."

"Now, it doesn't say in the book that I'm ugly. Actually, it describes me as being completely unremarkable. But on her website, Meyer explains that I'm an unremarkable—as supposed to sickeningly sparklingly perfect—vampire because I was butt-ugly as a human."

"MY EYES!"

"So armed with a complete lack of anything interesting whatsoever, I became the perfect villain to complete _too-cool-for-a-capital-t-wilight_.

"How can he run in those shoes?"

"So now that you know my back-story, I shall explain my master plan. You see, I don't have one!"

"That is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever seen."

"I managed to pick a fight with a group of what apparently are considered strong fighters that completely outnumber me and also have superpowers, all for the sake of killing one incredibly worthless human girl who has daddy issues and no friends."

"Just what are they doing?"

"I'm really kinda surprised no one did the obvious thing and _killed me when they had the chance._ Or I suppose they could have vamp'd you. Would have saved a lot of angst and anti-abortion propaganda. After all, that's what happened to your friend Alice. She was one of my targets, but the vampire who'd been paying for her services didn't want to have to stop ****ing his darling little crack *****, so he went ahead and vamp'd her. She was so drugged at that point that she didn't even notice. From what I gathered, she still doesn't notice too much. I think she kinda killed him on accident once she'd been successfully vamp'd. Pity. He was a pretty smart dude… he even knew how to use protection."

"I think they're headed for the ballet studio. Figures."

"Unfortunately for you, your little Edward is not that smart. And that is why you will die here!" Sue began to slowly descend into the shark tank.

"There is no hope for you now!" James said, and then burst into a fit of evil laughter. His giggles rang against the walls of the studio and inside the empty space in Sue's head.

The hungry jaws of the sharks were but a few inches away when she was finally overwhelmed by hanging upside-down for so long, and fell unconscious.


	25. The Hero Arrives

_This was fun just because I got to list off all the crap I've done to Edward. Also, I think this chapter wins the award for having the most made up words in it. _

The blood swirled around her head, making it impossible to think clearly. However, it being Sue, she didn't notice too much of a difference, and as such was able to focus on Edward as he burst through the wall, shattering a mirror and sending glass fragments everywhere.

Her savior had come.

Sunlight poured in through the gaping hole in the wall, bouncing off Edward and sending more sparkles than a disco ball would across the studio. She could see every inch of his now not-quite-so-perfect chest. The light glittered off the numerous thin scars crisscrossing his skin, mementos from being reassembled repeatedly. It bounced of the round scar from multiple impalings over his heart, as if it were a diamond, and danced on the large cross shaped burn spread across the entirety of his chest.

Edward stepped forward into the studio, his high heels clicking on the hard floor. A pinkieless hand came up and brushed his bronze hair away from his face, revealing one crimson red eye and one eye patch. His skirt swished slightly in the breeze from outside. He winced slightly, the massive sparklegasm not mixing well with a massive hangover.

Truly blessed was Sue to have such a valiant and heroic boyfriend.

James turned away from Sue, looking back over his shoulder at Edward. He had a sinister grin on his face, and opened his mouth to deliver a line that surely would have been brimming full of malicious wit, but as his own scarlet eyes fell on Edward, his sneer turned to laughter. He fell on the floor, his shoulders shaking from the hilarity.

Edward crossed his arms and glared down at James. "C'mon, man, this was my grand entrance."

Carlisle walked into the studio, and then over to Sue, and began to free her from the ropes. "You realize we're having our big dramatic battle in ballet studio? And that since the main character is unconscious, we don't even get to read a fight scene to attempt to make up for the absolutely deplorable rest of the novel. Furthermore, the villain is James, and above all, this is _too-cool-for-a-capital-t-wilight_. There was no way to make this scene epic, or even less fruity. The way this all worked out is just the icing on the cupcake."

Edward pouted at Carlisle, which made an interesting addition to his bare chest and skirt.

James had managed to stop laughing by this point, and grabbed the bar that ran around the intact part of the walls to pull himself up.

"Oh man," he said. "This is just priceless. How'd you even manage to end up like that?"

Edward turned his pout on James. "Like it's anymore ridiculous than your getup."

James twirled his fake mustache around one finger as his long black cape swished in the breeze. "Actually, dude, you still look stupider. Besides, I thought I needed to do something to increase my villianidity, considering my most notable physical feature was my blandness. By the way, why did you burst in through the wall? The place was unlocked, you know."

Edward shrugged. "It was part of my grand entrance, like I was saying earlier. Of course you had to go and ruin it."

"Alright, man I'm sorry," James held his hands out in front of him. "You do realize, though, that one of those shards from the mirror you broke hit your girlfriend, right?"

"Wut?" Edward's head whipped around to look at Sue, who Carlisle had managed to free (much to the disappointment of the sharks). Unfortunately, she was now bleeding from a decent sized gash in her forehead. "Oopsie."

"Also, you now get to enjoy seven years of bad luck. If your luck can really get worse," James looked pointedly at Edward's remarkable collection of scars.

Liaf stepped into the room. "Oh, I'm sure it can, and just you ****ing wait, he'll find someway to get me mixed up in it."

"Oh, good, you're here," Carlisle said, and gestured down at Sue. "Come help me slap her awake."

"Yup," Liaf said, walking over to them. "I brought Alice and Jasper too, not that that really matters. I think they're out there talking to the little crowd you jokers attracted."

"Oh," Carlisle said. "I imagine those two are making everything perfectly clear.

A woman's voice floated into the room via the hole in the wall. "Oh, aren't you just a silly little dear; vampires aren't real. Are you from the circus? Oh—are you trying to bite me? Hey, no, ouch!"

"Yup," Carlisle said. "Perfectly clear."

"So, what's the situation here?" Liaf asked, as he prepared to slap Sue.

"Uh…" Edward and Carlisle said, and then they both looked at James.

James stared blankly back at them for a moment, and then started in surprise. "Oh, right, I'm the villain. I should probably commence my villainy death duel with the hero now, huh?"

"Prolly," said Edward.

James stroked his mustache. "Alright, well, I suppose since I've already revealed my plan and told all my secrets to the little girl there, I should just get to the part where I kill you."

"Hmph," Edward said. "Do you really think you can kill me? You should be able to tell from my scars just how much I've gone through. Yet nothing has managed to kill me yet. Besides, we have you outnumbered! Do you still think you can win?"

James crossed his arms. "You're seriously going to play the outnumber card now? If numbers mattered at all, then repeatedly ditching your math class would have been a bad thing."

"Fine then, I take back what I said about us outnumbering you," Edward said. "But still, just what do you think you can do?"

"Hmmm…" James stroked his mustache again. "Maybe… this?"

"Oh shi—" Edward managed to say before James sent him flying into the shark tank.

"Good answer," Liaf said. A sharp tearing noise echoed through the studio, along with a nicely pitched scream.

"Righty," James said, dusting off his hands. "So, who wants to be next?"

"Yeah, um, I don't think so," Liaf said, pulling his water pistol from its holster. "You remember this little guy, don't you?"

"Hmm, I think it's time to switch to another plan," James said, eyeing the gun. He made another one of those darn superfast vampire moves, and suddenly he was holding Sue.

"Wow, I picked bad time to lick my fingers, huh?" said Carlisle. Liaf facepalmed.

"Alright you two, one false move and I bite the girl! You don't want her getting vamp'd, do you?" James threatened. "Then slowly put down your weapons and stick your hands in the air…"

"No—" Edward gurgled from the shark tank. He also managed to get his hand away from the shark jaws long enough to make a rude gesture at James.

Carlisle and Liaf, however, just looked at James. Carlisle shook his head, a smile tugging at the edges of his mouth.

"W-what?" James faltered. "I-I'll really bite her, you know!"

"Go ahead," Carlisle said. "Because, you see, you forgot to do one thing. You didn't reveal your one weakness. But that's alright, because we figured it out for ourselves. Thinking for yourself. Pass it on. But anyways, we know your secret."

"No!" James' eyes went wide with shock. "But how? How did you figure it out?"

Liaf smirked. "It wasn't that hard, really. All we had to do was be observant. Oh, maybe it was hard, then. Never mind. But see, think back to chapters 19 and 20. You bit Sue then. And you know what happened?"

"No…" whispered James.

"Nothing! Except blood loss," Liaf said. "The truth is… you're NOT VENOMOUS!!!"

James gasped. Sue, just starting to wake up, gasped. The crowd outside gasped.

"This can't be!" James said. "I can't lose!"

"Too bad, ugly-boy, you already have. Now drop the lady, and we'll have a nice little chat, you, me, and my gun," Liaf said.

"You know, there's one thing that's bugging me. You'd think he'd have more than one weakness,' said Carlisle thoughtfully as Liaf dealt with James.

Liaf, still watching James set Sue down, said, "Well, he's got all the traditional vampire weakness as well, so that probably counts."

"Yeah, like fire—do you smell gasoline?" Carlisle said, sniffing the air.

"Well, ****," Liaf said as the studio burst into flames.

"I burned down the place just like you told me too!" Alice said from outside. "I finally did something right!"


	26. It's over already?

_Yawn… sleep… sleep is good… I should try it some time…_

When Edward awoke, he was no longer wearing women's clothing.

He was getting an even better breeze with the hospital gown he was in now, though.

Slowly, Edward sat up, rubbing at a head that seemed to be more ache than brain. Surprise. He looked around the room, which for all intents and purposes, was your run of the mill hotel room, with a few slight differences. Namely that you wouldn't find a shark tank occupying half your average hotel room. He blinked a few times at this, and then finally his eyes landed on Sue, who was perched on a bland floral printed chair.

She smiled at him. "You're awake."

Edward took a moment to process this strange reversal of positions. _Sue _had been watching _him_ sleep? "What the **** happened?" he asked.

"Well, you got stuck in the shark tank while Carlisle and Liaf were stopping James. And then Alice started the place on fire. Apparently Liaf had mentioned to her that he was going to do that after I was rescued—any opportunity to burn down a ballet studio, right?—and she kinda took matters into her own hands. Well, Carlisle and Liaf took that moment to get the **** outta there. I had woken up by then, so I joined them. We had only driven a couple of blocks before they remembered you.

"By the time we got back, the news crews had shown up. Apparently someone in the little crowd you attracted called them. The official story, I think, is that the ballet studio owner was keeping drugs stashed inside the place, and when it burst into flames, everyone nearby got high. After all, there's _no way _they could have seen a shirtless guy in a skirt and high heels who sparkled.

"But anyways, Liaf and Carlisle slipped past the group, and then sent Alice into to get you. After she brought back a couple sharks, she managed to grab you. And then we stuffed your unconscious body in the trunk along with the sharks and brought you here. And that's pretty much it." Sue finished.

"I was unconscious?" Edward asked. "What the ****?"

Sue shrugged. "Carlisle says '**** if he knows' how that happened. He thinks it might be due to the sheer amount of damage you've accumulated over the last week or so. That, along with more recent injuries, put you over the edge. But he thinks you should be more or less fine now."

"Alright." Edward nodded slowly, processing what Sue had said. "So," he asked eventually, "why the shark tank?"

"You remember how I said Alice brought a few out before she managed to pick you? Yeah, these are those sharks."

"But why did you go through all the trouble of getting a tank for them? For that matter, actually, _how _did you even manage to get a shark tank up here? Why didn't you just sell our demonic little friends for shark fin soup?"

"Erm, well," Sue scratched at her chin self consciously. "You recall what I said about more recent injuries?"

"Ooo, I don't like where this is going…"

"You might want to look at your leg," Sue said.

"Huh, which leg…?" Edward began to ask as he threw the sheets aside, but stopped when it became clear that it would have been a rather pointless question.

After all, he only had one leg.

"Well, son of a *****," Edward said.

"Yeah, those are some pretty impressive sharks. Liaf liked them so much I think he feed them your other pinky," Sue said.

Edward help up his right hand, which now matched his left. It shook slightly with despair.

Before Edward could really begin a good round of sobbing, though, Sue hastily said, "Don't worry, Carlisle said that they shouldn't be able to digest your freaky vampire atoms. If you're patient, we'll get your leg and pinky back, and then Carlisle can re-attach them."

Edward put his fake tear solution back on the bedside table and looked at Sue. "What do you mean patient… OH!" His eyes went wide with a lovely mixture of horror and disgust.

Sue shrugged. "At least you'll get them back."

Edward covered his face with his palm. "Well, at least that explains why they're still here."

"Indeed," Sue said.

"So James is dead?" Edward asked.

"Yeah," Sue said. "Liaf had pretty much crippled him with that little water gun of his, so once the place caught on fire he couldn't escape."

"Where are Liaf and everyone else, anyways?" Edward asked.

Sue gestured to the partially open door on the side wall. "They're in the next room; there wasn't room here because of the shark tank. Carlisle watching two dudes do _something _on T.V., Jasper's staring at a corner, and Liaf filled the bathtub full of holy water and is trying to drown Alice in it."

"Oh," Edward said. "How's that going?"

"Not very well," Sue replied. "Apparently Alice is immune to holy water—Carlisle says it's probably cause 'the drugs messed that chick up.' So Liaf is mostly burning himself, and that makes him angrier, so he tries harder to drown her, and burns himself more… it's a vicious cycle." Sure enough, now that Edward listened, he could here strands of curses floating through the door.

"Ah," Edward said, "good stuff."

"So…" Sue said.

"Nice weather, huh?" Edward said, which was a rather random comment, seeing as there was a shark tank in front of the window.

"Hey Edward, we're going to be together for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, right?"

"Heroin, I'm missing so many body parts that its only funny to people that are not me. I do not wanna talk about this right now. Besides, if I vamp you, then you won't be delicious. Also, I'm not ready to be a father yet."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sue asked.

"Oh, you'll see, you'll see…" Edward rubbed his hands together in a gesture that would have been menacing had it had a little more pinky.

"Er, anyways, what do you intend to do if you're not going to vamp me? Just wait till I get old and then visit me in a nursing home?"

"Actually I plan to omnomnom you a little more and then go away and never see you again."

"Oh," Sue said. "WHAT?!"

Before Sue could strangle Edward, a loud crash came from the next room. Specifically, the bathroom of the next room. Both Sue and Edward looked over.  
"Hmm," Edward said, "seems like they're having fun."

"Yeah," Sue said, as the longest and loudest rendition of the F word she had ever heard rang out. "I have to say, I'm betting on Alice."


	27. And the Stage Shifts

_ Well, lookie here. I've made it through the whole book. I'm quite pleased with myself for actually managing to make it this far. And I'm reasonably happy about how this whole thing turned out. _

_ I must give a tremendous thank you to all my readers who have made it this far. As much as I love torturing Edward, it's you guys that make this really worth writing. /cliché. But seriously, you guys rock so hard. And an extra special thanks to everyone who took the time to review. _

_ Now, here's the part that you might actually care about—the sequel. Yes, I am continuing on to too-cool-for-a-capital-n-ew moon. The two people who voted on my poll wanted a fresh new fanfic for the sequel, so that's what I'm doing. The prologue for this next fanfic will be out next week around the usual time, so keep your eyes out for it! And I have, in fact, expended the extra effort to come up with a snappy title, so look forward to that too. I personally am in love with it. I'd tell you it now, but I don't want to ruin the surprise. _

_ Well, without further ado, I give you the final chapter of Insert Fail Symbolism Here. Do enjoy. _

"What in god's name gave you the idea that having Alice do my makeup would be smart?" Sue asked as she attempted to scrub thickly layered lime-green eye shadow off of her cheek.

Edward shrugged. "Severe head trauma?" he suggested.

Sue gave him a glare, and then returned back to her work.

Liaf appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. "Are you two almost done yet?" he asked. "If you don't hurry it up, then you'll be late."

Sue looked at her reflection and sighed in dismay. "It's as good as it's going to get without the aid of a power sander."

"See! I told you she couldn't make you look any worse than you did already, Heroin!" Edward said, grabbing his crutches and limping down the stairs to where Liaf's carriage sat waiting. They passed by Carlisle and Esme, who had them wait so they could do that embarrassing mom-fawning-over-children thing and take a couple pictures. Esme, after all, was an avid scrapbooker. Luckily for him, since the children spent their entire lives repeating high school, he had lots of material to work with.

They finally managed to escape, and settled into the carriage. Edward was extra careful of his leg as they did so. The sharks had grudgingly parted with it and his pinkie, but considering how many times he had been dismembered, his body wasn't quite as quick to stick back together as it had been. Carlisle had told him to go easy on it, so the duct tape didn't break. It would be bad if his leg suddenly fell off in the middle a dance, for example.

Liaf climbed into the driver's seat of the coach, and away they went.

"So," Sue said, "where are we going?"

"Oh, I thought you knew already," Edward replied casually. "We're going to prom."

Sue's insuring screech nearly made Liaf run the carriage off the road.

After she had clamed down slightly and the cursing in the background had quieted, she said, "YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE PROM?"

"Really? Is the capslock necessary? You nearly killed our readers with your hysteria before," Edward said.

Sue blinked at him. "You haven't broken the fourth wall for a while."

He shrugged. "Had to, for old time's sake. But my point is still valid. I mean, it's prom. It's not like I'm going to go take you to an abandoned warehouse and rape and murder you. There is really no reason for you to be acting like—WOAH!" He grabbed Sue before she could leap out of the carriage's now open door. She could have skinned her knee or something. A couple cars whizzed by as the carriage tottered along. Edward pulled the door closed.

"Seriously? Would you stop trying to kill yourself already? I swear, if your suicidal tendencies lead us to a crappy parody of _Romeo and Juliet, _I'll never forgive you," said Edward.

Sue crossed her arms and pouted. "But it's prom!"

"What's wrong with prom?" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

Sue screamed again. Liaf's obscenities this time managed to drown even her out. "Seriously Girlie?" He called back, "keep in mind you're the only one that can die if we get plastered."

"Do you always have to do that?" Sue asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"The appear out of thing air thing?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley shrugged. "Kinda. It goes with the whole ghost thing, ya know?

"Right. Whatever." Sue covered her face with her palm. "What do you want?"

"We're going to prom together, aren't we?" Tyler blinked large, sad, ghostly eyes at her. "I came to pick you up."

Sue's face was still hidden by her hand. "Edward?" she said, "can't you do something about him?"

"Hmm," Edward stroked his chin. "Liaf? What do you do to get rid of ghosts?"

"Why would you want to get rid of me?" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"How the **** should I know, pretty-boy?" Liaf yelled back. "It's not like he can really do anything, anyways. No one else can see him. Just put up with him."

"Joy," said Edward, as they pulled up to the school.

Sue helped Edward out of the car. They made a rather strange sight entering the school: Sue, Edward on his crutches, and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley floating along behind, making sad little comments like "hey, what are you two doing?" and "but you said you were going to go with me!"

They entered the gym, the location of the prom. Sue whispered to Edward, "You know, in Phoenix, prom was better in every conceivable way."

He whispered back, "why the **** were you at prom back in Phoenix? There's no way you actually had a date back then. No other guy would ever go out with you. Heck, I wouldn't be with you if you weren't so delicious."

"You're so romantic, hunny," Sue said.

"Hey look, it's the rest of my family!" Edward said.

They were at the center of the dance floor. The other dancers were giving them a wide berth, mainly because Jasper and Alice were dancing in a remarkable wild combination of several styles from the last century. Alice threw Jasper into the wall a couple of time. Being Jasper, he didn't seem any worse for the wear. Rosalie and Emmett, on the other hand, had managed to get with the times, and were fiercely grinding away. Sue didn't stare at them too long.

"Shweet, Heroin, that looks fun!" Edward gestured at Rosalie and Emmett. "Let's try it!"

Edward used his crutches to whack Sue in the right direction, and then spun himself to limp onto the dance floor. Unfortunately, he found his way forward to be barred by a set of wolfish abs.

"Vampire," said Jacob Black.

"Furry," said Edward.

"Jacob!" Sue said excitedly. "Wow, did you have a growth spurt? You're hot now! Also—not that I'm complaining—where's your shirt?"

Jacob flexed. "Please babe, it would be a crime if I wore a shirt. And yes, I did have a growth spurt. Werewolf puberty and all that."

Sue nodded enthusiastically, as if she knew what he was talking about. Edward glared. Jacob mouthed "jealous?" at him.

"Anyway," Jacob said, "I have a few things to say. First off, this is my show now. You can just take your pasty vampire butt and get the **** out of my town, got it, glitter pants?"

Edward blinked several times.

"Next, I'm taking your woman," Jacob put is arm around Sue. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me. And I swear, even you do take her away from me, I will rape your daughter. You can't win, Eddy. The fans are on _my _side."

One of Edwards's crutches slipped from his limp fingers and hit the floor. He didn't appear to notice.

"Anyways, I suppose I should just let you two mess things up on your own now. Have fun!" He waved and walked off. After a few steps, though, he stopped and cast a look back at them, "I'll be watching," he said threateningly. And then he swept out, the eyes of every woman present focused on him, including Sue and the chaperone.

Edward finally fell over, due to lack of support. Sue shook herself out of the stupor, and then leaned down to help Edward up.

Once Edward was upright once more, he said, "You were so right. Prom sucks."


End file.
